Desperate Housewives: The Porn Identity

The show opens with the Scavo’s (Oh boy, who is Lynette going to lie to this week?). It seems Lynette is having trouble getting play dates for her twins because they are two mean and nasty kids. At least there’s one detail about this show I can’t complain about. That’s the exact kind of child I would expect from parents like those. Just when Lynette thought all hope was lost, she finally finds a group of kids that are just as willing to bet the crap out of each other as they are. When she is then greeted by the mom Norma, they agree to set up some Saturday play dates that will finally give Lynette some time to herself. This way she can have more time to think of ways to lie to her husband/children/boss/god.

Unfortunately the fat middle aged couple that they are letting there kids spend time with have certain hobbies. Kind of like stamp collecting; only they don’t necessarily lick the backs of “stamps” as it were. As Lynette is checking on the kids one day she sees that they are watching one of the homemade porno’s that Norma and her equally overweight and old husband Leonard made. Cue the dry heaving. Luckily Lynette stops the tape right before Norma gets a Cincinnati bowtie so the kids don’t collectively turn into the John Wayne Gacy’s of 2025.

Sorry, but if I had to see it, you have to see it

Later, when Norma is picking up her kids from the Scavo’s, Lynette is temporarily disgusted when she starts playing peek a boo with her baby, since playing peek a boo with her flapjacks was a centerpiece of the porno that they saw. Makes me wonder what Norma would think if she knew Lynette is a recovering drug addict who stole her own kids ADD medication to get high. Kinda makes “homemade porn” look somewhat quaint doesn’t it? When Lynette finally tells them that they have the tape, Norma storms off mortified.

Speaking of sex, Gabrielle has had lots of it and it has resulted in her being pregnant (how’s that for a segue?). Gabrielle, Bree, Susan, and Edie are sitting around eating ice cream and drinking wine (Hey, it’s what they do)talking about Gabrielle’s latest sonogram. But Gabrielle wants to talk about Mike and Susan’s failed relationship. Susan says she is very Zen about the whole thing and she says she can’t blame him for dumping her. She just hopes that one day they can be friends. Like Bruce and Demi, or Sonny and Cher, only without the freakish death by tree and morbidly obese lesbain daughter who wants a gastric bypass.

Later we see Gabrielle trying on new dresses. Her model friends are coming to visit and she wants to make sue she looks good. Sadly, Gabrielle is going through what every woman goes through in their third month of pregnancy. Finding out that they have to start wearing a size 0 dress instead of the double 00 they are used to. Don’t you hate that ladies? But don’t worry, Gabrielle has a plan. She will just starve for a few day’s. F you fetus, get your own goddamn nutrients! The “starve my unborn baby so I can fit into a dress” plan goes awry when a few days later she finds out she has only gotten bigger. It’s time for …laxatives! OK, maybe not, but trust me they do work. Instead she brings in her sweaty Mexican stereotype of a gardener in to zip her up.

Insane killer George meanwhile is giving Bree a surprise. We see him leading Bree into a house with a blindfold on. Is George finally going to show her his collection of Filipino prostitute heads? Nope, it’s a house he just bought. Almost immediately George’s mother Francine and her friend Ceal enter from the kitchen and talk about how excited they are to meet Bree. When George has them step out of the room for a second, George asks Bree to marry him. Before she can answer Francine and Ceal come in with champagne to celebrate. This puts so much pressure on Bree that she reluctantly accepts. This is how I plan on getting married.

The next day Bree is with her shrink Dr. Goldfine. After some prodding Bree admits she only accepted the proposal out of politeness. While she likes George and thinks they have a lot in common (for instance: she had a husband, he killed him), she just doesn’t feel the same way about him that she did for Rex. I’m not sure what this means because Rex cheated on her, thought she killed him and she had him buried in a paupers grave.

At Susan’s house she gets a knock at the door. Its her ex husband Karl who says that he just broke up with Edie. There’s only so many hours of being exposed to the smell of geritol a man can take. Susan invites him in and over a bottle (or 5) of wine she finally finds out what it is that caused the breakup. Karl keeps a picture of Susan under his mattress that he likes to look at sometimes. Makes you wonder exactly what she is doing in the picture. Karl then leans over and kisses Susan. Next up is the always completely uncomplicated and consequence free act of having rebound sex with your ex (Marcy I hope you are reading this. Call me). I mean what exactly could happen? Will Susan’s daughter walk in on them? Or maybe Karl will try and use it as a way to get back together with her? Does the Pope shit in the woods? Seriously does he? Cuz I know Pope Pius the Twelfth was all about that stuff but I’ve yet to get a solid yes or no on Benedict XVI. He looks the type though.

The next morning, surprise, Julie walks in on her parents after having sex. Sufficiently grossed out she says she only stopped by for some money and is out the door. It’s too bad she didn’t stick around because she could have heard them talking about how it was the best sex they ever had. Or she could have seen the bottle of hot sauce and turkey baster on the nightstand. Karl starts talking about getting back together but Susan nips that in the bud immediately and says she was just looking for cheap sex (For the record Marcy, sex with you was never cheap. Seriously, call me).

And on the subject of sex, Lynette and Tom are going over Norma and Leonard’s house to try and convince them to keep the play dates with their kids. When they tell them that they don’t care about the video, Norma and Leonard are relieved. So much so that he starts talking about it more and more. It seems that it isn’t such a one time goof but rather He has set up his own porn studio upstairs and has taped multiple sessions. He then shows them their porn room (Oh to have a black light in that place) and says that anytime they want to set up their own shoot they are more than welcome. This puts and end to the play dates.

When Bree shows up at George’s place the next night to go out to dinner, George tells her plans have changed and that his mom invited a few people over to meet her. When he opens the door he sees that it is a full on cocktail party with dozens of guests all clapping for Bree. As she meets George’s friends she gets even more freaked out as they start talking about how they can’t wait for them to have kids. This is too much for her and she storms out. When George goes after her, he asks her what’s wrong. Don’t people usually like serial killer fiance’s pressuring people into having children? I mean who will he teach all his torture techniques to? Bree says that her psychiatrist, DR. GOLDFINE say’s that it might have been a mistake to agree to get married. DR. GOLDFINE thinks they should cool off for a while. This ensures of course that Dr. Goldfine will be dead within a day. George is an instant gratification kind of guy.

When we see Dr Goldfine the next day out jogging, George bikes past him and waits a the end of a bridge. As soon as Dr. Goldfine runs past him George grabs him and throws him over the bridge to his death. Can you imagine how embarrassing that must be? Being killed by the most effeminate weasel of a serial killer? I mean look at the guy from the movie SE7EN, that’s a killer to be proud of. The man had a plan. He was a poet. He got to decapitate Gwyneth Paltrow. What’s not to like? George is just a weirdo.

At the Applewhite’s things are looking grim. When they go downstairs to check on Caleb they find out he has broken free. They spend all night checking the neighborhood looking for him and the next morning Betty has Matthew check out Bree’s house while she distracts her. When Matthew gets to the back yard he is surprised by Danielle, the super horny daughter. When she asks him what he’s doing there he improvises and says he was looking for her. Apparently Danielle has a severe case of jungle fever, because she then leans over to pick up her sunglasses, sticking her booty in the air for Caleb to take it in all its glory. She asks him if he came to ask her out. ” Because I’ll say yes. she says. I’ll bet she says yes to a lot of things. She is a Van De Kamp after all.

Later that day Edie walks up to Susan and tells her that she and Karl have gotten back together. She wants to thank Susan because whatever she said helped him take her back. Little does she know what she said was probably something like ‘You want to put it where? Ummm. OK, I guess…

Gabrielle enlists the help of Bree to help fix her size 00 dress problem. As Bree is altering the dress Gabrielle talks about how she is scared that her model friends will make fun of her. She says that they predicted when she got married that she will have a baby and turn into a house frau. She just doesn’t think she is meant to be a mother. Since she is 5 foot 1 inch tall and her birth canal is about 2 inches wide I’d have to agree. The woman is short.

When Gabrielle answers the door, the models all come in screaming with glee and immediately know that she’s pregnant. So much for that plan. Later on as she goes back over to Bree’s house, for help in getting out o the dress, Gabrielle admits that she doesn’t have much in common with the models anymore. Not even the idea of coke fueled lesbian supermodel orgies excite her anymore. For me they will never lose their luster. Bree thinks that Lynette, Susan and her have been a good influence on her. Bree tells her to go home and she will be over soon to help her out of the dress.

When Gabrielle gets home she goes upstairs. when she sees a bowl of food sitting in her walk in closet she knows that someone has been in her house. When she turns around she sees Caleb. She runs screaming from him and ends up falling down the stairs. As she lies helpless at the bottom of the stairs Caleb stands over her, shows her his twig and berries and then leaves.

Bree finds her and calls the ambulance and as she is carted away, she holds onto her sonogram picture with a sad look on her face. I guess this means there will be no need for Eva Longoria to wear a fat suit this season. That’s OK, Tyra already beat that one into the ground.

EdHill | 11.16.05 | Filed in Desperate Housewives,Recaps

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