Making the Band: Girls Gone Wild: Miami
The show starts with the girls at dance rehearsals with the always over-the-top Laurie Ann. She is one of those reality people who want to help make for a more interesting show so everything she does is always overacted for the cameras. If her morning English muffin didn’t have butter on it and the camera was on her, she’d wail for fifteen minutes and then ask “did you get that?” Yeah, she’s that transparent.
Cindy, the anemic sickly girl who puts the P in pale, is dancing like a wet pickle. This display is earning Laurie Ann’s rehearsed wrath. “Cindy, what pocket are you in?” she screams at her. I have no idea what that means either, but apparently there are pockets she needs to be in and she is in the wrong one. Or maybe she isn’t in a pocket at all and she should be. Or perhaps there are no pockets she should be in but she’s incorrectly putting herself into one. Either way, her pocketness is upsetting Laurie Ann.
But Cindy isn’t the only one stinking up the dance floor. Dominique, who we can charitably say does not have the look or dance skills of a member if an all-girl band, is showing her weak points. “Thank the good lord that you can sing,” Laurie Ann tells her. Now the girl can sing, there’s no doubt about that. But when it comes to having her in an all-girl band you kind of have to have some sex appeal. No one wants a group with four girls that look like Tootie. And I’m talking about the later, fatter Tootie, when she wasn’t wearing her roller skates.
Taquita, meanwhile, is getting full of herself. We see her telling us “I can dance. I can sing, and I got the look.” Which is true, if the look you are going for is Sideshow Bob. The top of her head looks like a fireworks display of hair. And you know when they show someone talking about how great they are, the episode will then play out showing them doing horribly and possibly getting eliminated. It’s like every Survivor episode when they show someone talking about how they are totally confident and know they aren’t going home. Then before you know it, the tribe has spoken and Jeff puts out their torch.
So like night follows day, smack talk is followed by the person looking like a fool. Taquita is blowing all her dance moves. This annoys Laurie Ann who is now so fired up she’s making bad metaphors. “You stepped on the stage and you fumbled the pass,” bellows Laurie Ann. “Its fourth and goal with three strikes and you’ve only got a 3 wood! Dive! Dive!”
Before Laurie Ann can make any more tortured metaphors, she decides to mix things up. Instead of some one-on-one dancing, Laurie Ann picks Shannon from the group and asks her to pick her own group to dance with. She picks Dawn, Aubrey and Denosh. When Laurie Ann likes her picks, she then goes through a bunch of girls and has all of them choose their own dance groups. As they go though the routines, we see that a lot of girls are picked over and over again for the group. Aubrey (natch), Dawn, Shannon, etc. And wouldn’t you know it, Taquita isn’t picked once.
Later on Taquita is telling Shannon how she thinks everyone is fake. Why? Because no one picked her to be in her group, that’s why. It’s a show hosted by Diddy and you’re upset because people are acting phony? Oh Taquita. You’re new to the reality TV game. Why don’t you sit right back and let me tell you a little story. It’s about an “Apprentice” job that turns out to be nothing but PR appearances and a million dollar prize that ends up being only 560 thousand or so after taxes. It’s also about being told you’re going to be America’s Next Top Model, but all you end up doing is banging a Brady. But most of all, it’s about people overacting and lying whenever there’s a camera around so they can one day parlay it into a job on The Scorned 2 (god help us all).
In the other part of the hotel, we see that Dominque needs help. She’s crying on Denosh’s wide manly shoulders. The girl simply cannot dance. She is also suffering from the long abused notion that some women who are slightly overweight fall into. Just because you lost a little weight, does not mean that you can then safely wear skin tight short shorts and have them look flattering. Now I feel for the girl because she’s at that young awkward stage and a good singer
In order to get some reassurance she goes to get advice from Andre Harrell, the man who started Uptown Records. “He’s just a phenomenal person to talk to, because the things that he knows in the industry can really help a rookie,” she says. And boy she ain’t kidding. “You keep doing what you’re doing and you are going to be a star,” he tells her. “All you can do is your best.” And with that they hug and he walks off. Wow. I mean, seriously, wow. That’s the best advice all those years of experience have given him. Armed with those empty platitudes Dominique is about to take the world by storm. Andre Harell is the living embodiment of that “hang in there” poster with the kitten hanging from the tree. A veritable Stuart Smiley. A Hallmark card come to vibrant life. And he did it all with that creepy smile intact.
A disturbing gum to teeth ratio of 1/1
Apparently Mr. Sean “Diddy” Combs has a chapped ass because up next is the Diddy kiss ass hour. That’s right ladies, get your Chapstick ready because it’s time to smooch some Diddy derriere. The girls are given a chance to relax for an evening and spend it with Diddy as he gets to know the girls. If you are thinking to yourself that maybe the girls will just view him as just another person in the music industry who they can look to as a peer, then think again. “Who actually gets a chance to sit here with Diddy as if he’s just a regular person?” says Kaui, her voice shaking in ecstasy. As if! I mean, I wonder if he took a dump would it come out as gold or platinum? You have to admit it’s a tough call. Personally I am going with diamonds. Pre-cut of course.
The girls are positively climbing over each other to see who can stroke that ego harder. Granted I sound fairly jaded when I write this, but when you come from the same hometown as Mark Linn-Baker, you just aren’t as susceptible to being star-struck as other people. Everyone wants to tell them what an inspiration he is to them, and how he has been a role model and blah blah. Did I also mention the whole thing is catered? It’s true. And we get one of my favorite images of Diddy wearing his platinum necklace, what must be a 12 thousand dollar diamond ring, and eating a bucket of KFC extra crispy (just the skin of course). Keepin’ it real.
Pretty soon the booze is flowing and when Diddy leaves he tells everyone that they can go out and have fun and that the drinks are on Diddy. EdHill loves it when he refers to himself in the third person. It’s almost as funny as the gold teeth he was wearing during the show’s introduction.
What comes next is images of the sweaty girls shaking their booties at a bunch of Miami hotspots. Oh look, a stripper pole! Some of them take to that like a fish to water. But before they can get really wild, Laurie Ann gets a phone call. It’s like she’s on the phone with the president, says Aubrey. So we know it’s serious. It must be Diddy. If it was Andre or Johnny she would’ve acted like she was on the phone with the Commerce Secretary, or worse, the head of FEMA.
It of course is Diddy and it looks as if he’s got another big twist in store for us. Now that the girls are good and liquored up he wants them back at the studio in fifteen minutes ready to perform (hmmm, that doesn’t sound right). The girls race out and back to their hotel room. Bras are flying, people are running. Aubrey makes the unfortunate decision of wearing her low cut orange cargo pants, thus setting their frequency of use into insanely high Flintstones levels.
When they all finally get to the dance studio, most of them are exhausted. But not Diddy. He saunters in calm and collected and tells the girls that “reality set in” when he was driving home and he decided that he needs to make a cut.
He brings the girls out and has them dance for him. But he’s not buying it. “I don’t believe you; I feel like there is twenty percent more.” But of course the joke is on him because he cut self-described “120 percenter” Tokiko three episodes ago.
When it’s poor Dominique’s turn her dancing doesn’t go as well as can be expected. It even gets the ominous music, and you know that isn’t good. They even slow motion on her face cringing as she misses her steps. Even I thought that one was unfair. Poor Dominique. It looks like she may be the next to go.
From here, Diddy breaks it up into groups of two. He has a certain look for each member and doesn’t need two of each. Apparently one of the looks he’s going for is odd looking mannish female because he pairs up Taquita against Denosh. The Manny vs. the Tranny. It’s hard to say which one won because of Diddy’s ice cold reserve. That and he was busy playing with some weird machine I have yet to figure out. It’s either a fan, or a really hip new cell phone.
Unlike the last cut however, this one will be based on not just dance but on singing as well. This is good news for Dominique because when it is her turn to go she belts out a song that impresses everybody. Laurie Ann of course reacts as if someone just brought back her dead grandmother before her eyes. Crying and wailing. A virtual spaz attack of tears. Even Diddy is impressed and his reaction is to immediately tell her that she isn’t going home. Dominique breaks out into tears and everyone starts clapping. “It’s one of the most amazing things that’s ever happened to me,” she says. Eh, she’s young.
Finally it’s time to make his cuts and this week it’s….Cindy and Kaui. He decided to keep both Denosh and Taquita this week because he says they both stepped up. They must have been in the right pocket or something.
Before they break up though, Diddy tells them that there is more news. He lets Johnny explain. It seems that their recent meeting with the Backstreet Boys (not N’Sync) was no accident. My first inclination was having the camera crew there as they just happened to be rehearsing as the ladies came in. They are going to split the girls into two groups and next week they will be the opening act for the Backstreet Boys on their DC stop. Look out DC VFW hall, your entertainment value just tripled.