The Bachelor: The Crying Game/War of the Roses; Choose Your Own Cliched Movie Title
Man oh man, these 90 minute episodes are emotionally exhausting. I’m sobbing right now just thinking about it.
We begin with Chris Harrison – is it strange that I keep accidentally typing “Christ”? – informing the girls that there will be 3 dates in this episode: two group dates and one one-on-one date. The one-on-one, warns Chris, is a “double-edged-sword” because the bachelorette will either receive a rose by the end of the date, or be sent home brokenhearted.
The girls tear into the “date box” moments after Chris Harrison runs screaming into the morning sunlight. I wish I had a date box. No, for real, it would be really cool to have a box full of cute stuff having to do with a date. Perverts!
This is what it would look like if you caught an STD from a clown.
Turns out the lovely ladies are headed to the circus! The girls get super duper excited when their names are called, trying on various clown paraphernalia, including a huge red nose and some gigantic glasses. Deanna is “psyched”! Linsday thinks that Brad has had “a laaaaaaat of connections with the girls who are going to be aaaaaaaaan this date today,” and I start to cry. My BRAIN, MY EARS. Midwesterners, I know you all have “big hearts” and “good values,” but never move anywhere else. You won’t make any friends with that accent. Unless you’re hot.
Brad reveals that he wants to see the women’s “inner child come out” today. I won’t even go there. Brad only likes full grown women with low self esteem and a bit of plastic surgery, mkay?
DeAnna and twitchy, twitchy Sara take turns feeding a huge elephant. The elephant becomes so enraged in the presence of Sara that he sprays her in the face with his trunk. I cheer.
Eat her. EAT HER!
Brad takes the ladies up to the luxury box, which is basically a room filled to the gills with confetti and balloons. There’s too much color. I might seize. The girls, to their credit, scream like they’ve just seen something awesome, like a single, male hedge-fund manager.
They all head down to the empty circus ring and do various cirus-like things: walking on tightropes, balancing on balls (BALLS!), having juggling thingies fly by their faces. Jenni feels that “interacting with the circus people” puts her in her element. She proceeds to do some handsprings like the little showoffy shit that she is. Brad seems very impressed, probably upsetting the other, non-basketball-dance-team-members.
Brad says that his chemistry with Jenni is amazing, and she’s the only girls that he still gets nervous around. Possibly because she SHOUTS ALL THE TIME ABOUT HOW MUCH FUN SHE’S HAVING BECAUSE IF YOU SHOUT IT MEANS YOU HAVE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE AND YOU’RE SO FUN TO BE AROUND. They take a little one-on-one breather and Jenni asks him if he’d be willing to do a long-distance relationship for awhile, since she’s committed to shaking her ass around during time-outs at the Phoenix Suns games. COMMITTED! Brad doesn’t see that being a problem. That way he can keep sleeping with bar sluts without some naggy girl breathing down his neck! Parfait! Jenni says that she wants to be the girl that he falls in love with. Awwww.
Stephy and Brad talk about Stephy’s… ugh… DAD. She gets teary-eyed as she talks about how safe she feels with her dad and how she wants to marry someone just like her dad. SEXY. How about you marry your uncle? That’s almost as good, and you can totally do it. Just move to a Mormon compound in southern Utah. Brad doesn’t look impressed by hear tears, and he awkwardly pats her leg. Stephy says, “actually, I’ve been single for five years,” when Brad asks what her longest relationship is.
The ladies and Brad head to the circus, and Brad tells them they get to be a part of the circus! Which actually means that they’ll all walk awkwardly out to the center of the ring and Brad will introduce the actual ringmaster. All the kids were probably like, “WTF? Who the fuck are these people? MOMMY! Where are the motherfucking clowns and who the fuck is Brad Womack?”
Solisa isn’t look so good this episode.
Ty McFarland, the ringmaster, comes out in the most amazing sparkly jacket and explains that one of the women will receive a rose by the end of the show. Later, Brad pulls McCarten away from the show and asks if she feels a “friend vibe.” She looks disgusted by the word “friend,” and says that she’s so confident, she doesn’t need a rose to feel ok about herself. Dear McCarten: I find you incredibly offensive. Please die. Love Hiro.
Meanwhile, back at the manse, a big black date box arrive and it’s for… SILLY HILARY! She squeals like a dying pig and does a little dance. The other girls are so incredibly jealous. I wouldn’t be – surely he’ll she that she’s BATSHIT CRAZY and send her home… right? There’s a shiny black dress for her to wear, too. It’s like Indecent Proposal, only for stupid people.
At the greatest show on earth, a clown rappels down a rope with the rose, and Brad hands it to Stephy because she’s sitting right next to him. No, really, that seems to be the main reason – there’s no room for him to stand or move around.
When we come back from the commercial break, it’s time for the big date with that crazy fuck Hilary and shy Brad. Solisa, good-hearted Christian that she is, helps Hilary by teasing her hair out to hooker proportions and shellacking on some makeup and fake eyelashes.
When Hilary walks into the room to meet Brad, it’s immediately evident that they forewent tailoring in lieu of sticking a cheap belt around her waist. I would have loved it if she came out and the dress was hanging off her like a sad sack, but alas, the cheap belt does seem to help. Brad thinks she looks amazing, and he surprises her with a million dollars worth of jewelry from Chopard. It’s all feeling very Pretty Woman, isn’t it? The other women watch in envy as they depart.
Brad and Hilary hop on a private plane and end up in San Francisco, in a dark room where we get to see absolutely none of San Francisco. Welcome to a new city! Now sit in this enclosed room and don’t go outside.
Hilary immediately starts the crazy talk. She says that the jewelry’s nice, but she’d rather they have nothing and just be “crazy in love. That would be the greatest thing in the world and I would be the luckiest woman in the world, to be honest.” Aaaaand here’s where she starts to cry. Something’s obviously up with her left eye – it keeps blinking lazily. Methinks it has to do with those fake eyelashes and with her complete craziness. Brad just says, “Wow. Wow.” Hilary’s “been ready for this for a long time. To find someone who I can potentially settle down with is amazing…. No, I’m ok. I’m ok. I’m not gonna have a tear roll down my face.” Brad is “taken back,” (aw, sweetie, it’s taken aback) and he’s looking for the fire exit.
“I hope I don’t look like I’m in the middle of a poo-strain.”
The ladies left at home finally get their date box! They’re going sailing. Sheena hopes that this gives her an advantage, since she’s been sailing her whole life. Wow, Sheena, sailing your whole life? Sounds like you’ve grown up with a lot of, ahem, advantages. Sailing is not a sport for poor people. Or minorities, so I really hope Jade (totally half Asian like me; though I’m often wrong) and Solisa (Latina-slut-Christian) don’t fall off the boat. People of color don’t swim.
Hilary is STILL crying on the couch and Brad is actually wiping away her tears. “You know, I don’t want you to think that I’m an emotional girl, but I do want to give my heart to someone and I do want to get married. I really didn’t expect to meet someone like you.” Sniffle. Hiccup. We get it Hilary, good god! In her interview, she’s crying even harder and says “I really want someone to love me for me, and I haven’t found that, so…” Big mystery, that. Hilary says that she’s sorry, and Brad says there’s absolutely nothing to be sorry about. He’s being very sweet.
The girls all sit around a table, some eating and some maintaining their temporary reality-TV anorexia, debating whether or not Hilary will come back. McCarten gets all up in everyone’s shit, saying that she’s not going to act like she wants Hilary to come back. Then they have some pointless bickering over that comment and my mind wanders because these women completely fail to capture my attention if Brad’s not around.
Hilary cries more as Brad looks on in sheer bewilderment. He finally gives her the rose so she will shut the fuck up. She says that he’s a “genuine good guy.” He says that she has true feelings for him. He feels that her display of real emotion makes her beautiful, and a HUGE vein in her forehead is about to explode. They head to Ghiradelli’s to make some chocolate sundaes, and Brad rolls his sleeves up does a spinny-thing with the glass like he’s a bartender. Suddenly, he’s a little bit hotter. Like Tom Cruise was a million years ago in Cocktail. Ah, bartenders. They’ll take your money, your dignity, give you an STD, and then pretend like they don’t know you the next time you’re trying to order a tequila and tonic. Hot. Hilary and Brad kiss over the ice cream and miraculously, her tears are gone! Now that she has the rose.
It’s time for the second group date! They’re going to sail the open seas together. I hope someone barfs! Brad dons the sailor hat, reminding me of that time I saw the Thunder from Down Under in Las Vegas. Hats were a big part of their, er, act.
Brad and Kristy “steer the boat” together and Kristy tries to show him her “fun” side, but ends up using words like “potentially” and “explore,” which is not fun. Things start to heat up on the boat, and Solisa, wearing a classy American Eagle miniskirt, gives Brad a lapdance. Solisa says that she started “shaking her butt really fast” because it’s all that she knows how to do, and because it glorifies Jesus. Something tells me that’s not exactly true. The clever editors cut to a shot of a cannon (teehee) firing a shot into the water. Amen.
I’m pretty sure Jesus demanded lap dances from the disciples. For reals.
Lounging by the pool, Hilary asks the other girls about who didn’t want her to come home. DeAnna and McCarten raise their hands, and Hilary thinks they’re witches. Hilary’s glad that they didn’t try to suffocate her with a pillow when she got back. She fucks a bit with them, telling them that they joined the mile high club and something about showing them what a real mama does. Huh? Hilary=dangerous. Look out.
It’s time to jet ski! Sheena gets a little too excited to show off and almost causes a collision and the coast guard boat swiftly ends their fun. They just totally wanted to be on TV. She’s upset that she lost her one-on-one time by almost killing him.
Bettina rides behind Brad on the jet ski, and claims that she falls in love with him while her arms are wrapped around his clunky life jacket. Afterwards, they have a little alone time under the poop deck (I have no idea if that’s accurate, but who doesn’t love typing “poop deck”?). He tells her that he’s very attracted to her and she’s very sweet, he just needs to know that it’s real. He asks what went wrong in her last relationship, and she says, “I was married to him.” Or mumbles it, rather, because Brad has to say “I’m sorry” and lean in. Brad admits in his interview that he was a little shocked and he didn’t expect that from her. Bettina was worried because “Brad doesn’t believe in divorce.” How can you not believe in divorce? I hate it when people say shit like that. Divorce is not the tooth fairy – you cannot believe or not believe in it; it exists.
Brad gives the rose to Kristy, babbling away incoherently, “ I’ve seen a couple sides to you now, and today I saw the side of you that I wanted to see, and that’s just that you can have fun and let loose and be yourself, I think you’re a beautiful woman.” Bettina thinks her divorce could have cost her the rose.
After the break, it’s time for the Brad and Chad debacle! Chad walks up and knocks on Brad’s door – and it’s so obviously not Brad. Brad says that “it’s the single most important thing I have in my life, and that’s that I have a twin brother.” Dude, Chad. That’s a lot to live up to, buddy. These two are pretty caliente together. TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF. Did I type that out loud? Brad shows Chad his awesome bachelor pad. Apparently, Brad helped Chad find his wife and now Chad is returning the favor. Did Brad help Chad in the same way that Chad will help Brad? That is, by pretending to be Chad and tricking his future wife? I love it! It’s like the Parent Trap, but with bigger penises.
Sooooooo they head to the ladies’ manse… Chad wanders around pretending to be Brad, and three women don’t catch on that it’s not really him. One is Sara, who’s so coked up by this point she might not recognize anything but her own AWESOME, OMG, reflection; two is McCarten, who is way, way to confident to need a rose or to notice whether or not she’s speaking to the purported man of her dreams; and three is that donkey-voiced angel, Linsday. No real surprises. McCarten actually asks Chad-Brad if he “has the giggles” and Lindsay immediately launches into a cross examination about lengthY engagements. Dear, predictable Sara twitches constantly and nods and blinks like a good little addict.
“I’msofuckingawesome, I’msofuckingawesome, I’msofuckingawesome. Andsmart. Andpretty. ExcusemeIhavetogototherestroom.”
After the break, Chris Harrison tells the ladies that some of they may have noticed that “Brad wasn’t really himself tonight.” In walks Chad! Hiro fantasizes about being the cheddar in a Brad/Chad grilled cheese sandwich while Chris introduces “Brad, and his twin brother Chad.” At this point, Hiro’s significant other, overhearing the dialog from the kitchen, yells, “this show is like a parody… of itself.” Very true, Hirodude, very true.
How will this influence Brad in the rose ceremony? He ends up not picking Sara, Linsday, and Solisa. Solisa asks Jesus why Brad didn’t pick her, and Jesus tells Solisa to get more restylane inserted into her painfully puffy lips.
Sara doesn’t know what went wrong. Of course you don’t. Wait until the drugs wear off.
Solisa tells the camera “I wear my special parts on the outside. Those special parts were not special parts that he was looking for, apparently.” I think Solisa’s special parts either involve male genitalia carefully tucked away or a tattoo of Jesus bloodied on the cross, right near her vagina. Because Jesus touches her in a special way. Solisa’s lips look like they’re about to explode all over the poor camerapeople. Lay off the restalyne, lady, and find a fucker as crazy as you are, in the only place where that may be possible: church.
Linsday says that she’s not going to cry over this, then promptly starts crying. “It hurts to know that it’s all ending.” Oh, Lindsay, it feels so good to know I’ll never have to hear your goose-honk again.
Tonight’s award for least-photogenic bachelorette is….