Matt Saracen Finds His Balls

What happens when you get a group of Dillon residents together and Matt Saracen stops being polite and starts getting real? It’s almost as if the writers of this show have been reading these recaps (and comments) as they take EdHill’s assertion that Matt Saracen is the poster boy for Manginas everywhere. Now, anyone who has any familiarity with these recaps knows a disparaging comment about Matt Saracen is a particularly hard thing for me to write: What EdHill calls my man crush, I think of more as my imaginary TV Little Brother. Regardless, Matt Saracen may rule… but he’s also kind of a pussyboy. Where I find that an endearing character trait, it can get sort of old to people watching the show who aren’t imagining a lifetime of giving Matty noogies and a good ribbing about wetting his bed when we were little! Ahh… Brothers! Even the most ardent Saracen fans though, myself included, think that maybe, just maybe, it was time to look in the drawer, as Landry suggested, and find his testicles. And as luck would have it, not only did Matt find his testicles, they were big, hairy, and to steal a line from Cartman: “extra vinegary.”

In FNL time, the on field fight between sensitive man-boy Matt and overzealous showboater Smash, happened just a few days ago, but to us viewers, it was a few weeks now. That event, coupled with Tami’s case of the crazies, Julie’s visit to Hipster Cockville, the new Panthers’ Coach Douchey McVagface and the guys over at TMU being huge dicks led to Coach Taylor’s return to Panther Pride. This is met with pleasure from the Panthers, save for Matt, who is still on his downward spiral into darkness. Granted this is Matt Saracen so the “spiral into darkness” probably ends with him doing a half-assed job on his grandmother’s pedicure, but still darkness it is. But it sort of makes sense now: I was wondering why the promo pics of Matt from this season looked like leftovers from his Star Wars: Episode III audition.

Anyway, tensions are still running high between Smash and Matt, as I think that Smash is upset that Matt sometimes resembles a heroin addict and Matt is jealous of Smash’s Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, because, you know, at least Smash has a mom. That might not actually be the root of their problems, but it’s my version. Come on, you’ve totally noticed it. So upon the Coach’s much ballyhooed return, the not-so-dynamic duo are still playing playing the role of Mr. & Mrs. Bickerson, getting into another rough and tumble on the field.

In the interim, Julie, realizing the guy she dumped Matt for was an asshat nicknamed The Swede for fuck’s sake, starts sniffing around Matt again, chatting him up in the cafeteria and inviting him to join her at The Decemberists concert. The Decemberists? Really? Great band, but are we expected to believe that Matt is a huge fan? If she had said, say, Nickelback or 3 Doors Down, I could’ve bought that, but let’s face it, if Matt were that cool, Julie probably wouldn’t have left him for The Swede in the first place. Anyway, this starts to confuse Matt, as his heart and his penis tell him one thing (Me want Julie), but his brain and Landry tell him another: NO. Matt, takes two steps forward and two steps back though, when he bumps into Tami Taylor, and asks her if she thinks he’s a chump for even considering hanging out with Julie again. Tami takes a page out of Matt’s book and stutters and stammers her way to a half response that if you read between the lines translates into something like: “Yes, you asshole, you are a chump to get back together with my daughter after she treated you like yesterday’s Greek shipping heir, but I can’t say that because I’m Julie’s mother and should be on her side, but snap the fuck out of it, Lohan.”

Meanwhile, in a hope to resolve the escalating Saracen/Smash Showdown of ’07, Coach Taylor invites the boys over for dinner to resolve their differences over Captain status, who loves the team more, and whose My Little Pony has the shiniest hair. Unfortunately, Smash doesn’t quite own up to being Asshole Supreme, and this sets Matt off on a tear, surprisingly directed at Coach Taylor: “He’s just doing the same thing you did… You used us as a stepping stone to get to TMU, and then when that didn’t work out you thought we’d be happy to have you. It’s kinda like what your daughter did with the Polish/Swedish kid or whatever the hell he is.” WOW. Matt Saracen is that you? Granted, that outburst could’ve easily ended with Matt screaming “You’re not my real dad!”, but boy was it nice to hear. Mostly, because I snickered when he finally got all Meta on the fact that everyone called The Swede, The Swede, and because up until this point, I hadn’t considered that there was really a dickhead component to Coach Taylor’s return to Dillon. It was hard to see when he was ousting/uprooting the evil Coach Douchey McVagface, but when Matt puts it like that it does seem like Coach Taylor sort of expected to be welcomed with cheers, parades, and as we’ll find out later, sexual intercourse.

Matt and Smash can’t learn to play nice, they are sidelined from the big game – Coach Taylor’s first back as Panther Head Coach – in favor of two very green quarter/running backs. Since, these are not major characters, and no one is paralyzed a la the Pilot episode, they don’t fair NEARLY as well as when Matt had his first start a year and a half ago (has Matt thrown a pass as perfect as the one in that episode since?). Smash and Matt decide to put their differences aside then and there, for the sake of the team. Even here, Matt doesn’t play catcher, letting Smash come to him with apologies. Natch, they get back in the game and win it all for the Panthers (with the help of Landry – see below).

But Matt has other business to attend to – he’s here to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and he’s all out of bubble gum. I too have always felt that one Taylor isn’t enough to bitch out in a week, so next up is Julie. He tells her that he can’t got to the concert with her, and in no uncertain terms that she sucks. Not only does she suck, she sucks goat balls. He actually uses the words: “I’m pisst off at you,” followed by my favorite exchange:

M: “You never said you were sorry.”
J: “I am sorry.”
M: “That might’ve worked a couple of weeks ago.”

It’s not much, but from Matt Saracen? Baby steps, people. And, besides, I’m nowhere near done with the Julie Taylor crucifixion after her behavior these last few weeks. However, I readily admit that the whole “hating Julie Taylor” thing would’ve been a lot easier if she hadn’t gotten soooo hot this season. Dammit.

Two Guys a Girl and a Taco Stand

Lyla arrives in Mexico, and much to her dismay, discovers that Riggins big plan for talking Jason out of his dangerous, backroom, Shark cell surgery involves mucho Patron and a booze cruise. Dismayed, she packs up her bags and plans to leave, but Riggins plays the good Christian/bad Christian with her and convinces her to stay. I have to say that the interplay between these three particular characters (with Jason) is one of my favorite things on the show. The shine is starting to wear off since last year, as I’ve realized the Jason is a little whiny (wah, I can’t walk, wah), Riggins is a little too damaged, and Lyla, while maybe not the WHORE that I once vowed she would always and forever be (whoops, yes she is… see below), sort of looks like a female version of Quagmire from The Family Guy. However, when they are all together, I think it really brings out the best in everyone – they’ve really been through quite a bit together this past year, and it shows.

On the booze cruise, things go predictably awry with the intervention. In fact, the Party of Five gang had an easier time telling Bailey to lay off the sauce and that ended with Jennifer Love Hewitt in the hospital and subsequently spun off to New York City. As expected, Jason didn’t really want to hear all the nonsense about the dangers of “shark cells” and the joys of living (he might be alive, but can he play hopscotch?). I love when things like this happen on TV shows, because the people trying to do the good thing, always end up getting shit on, as Jason tells Lyla that no one buys her new “I blow Jesus” way of life, and that Riggins is just a fuck up. Riggins, has had enough and explains to Jason: “I get it Jay. I get you want to walk again. But guess what? Never gonna happen. Never. Fact.” OOOOOH! Somewhere Dr. Phil just shot a load. Riggins also adds that he’s not to keen on coming back from Mexico with Jason’s dead body as a souvenir for his parents. Then again, considering that their 18 year old paraplegic son left the country to get illegal surgery without their knowledge, I wonder how upset they’d really be.

Disgruntled by all this negativity from his friends, Jason does the only thing he can:

After hurling himself off the side of the boat (Drama. Queen.), he starts to sink, and then realizes that he wants to live, and swims for shore. Meredith Grey: I hope you’re taking notes. I think Jason Street has a better chance of landing McDreamy than that crazy bitch. Granted, I don’t know how much I believe that Jason can swim back to shore with two immobile legs, even with hours of Murderball practice under his wheel. But I guess I’ll have to wait until the summer, when I can kidnap a paraplegic toss him in the ocean, and test this theory. Expect a blog entry and a letter to the writers of Friday Night Lights if this doesn’t work out. Maybe they’ll send me a free t-shirt!

Luckily, the emotional fuckfest ends here, as Jason decides, “nah, shark surgery isn’t for me.” This does lead to some tequila fueled night drinking and dancing on the beach. which I was CERTAIN would lead to the Jason/Riggins/Lyla Threesome I’ve been dieing for. Alas, it was just a lot of blue balls for the Dillon Panthers former stars. Lyla, proving that she is once, and forever, a whore, decides to make with the tongue on Jason AND with Riggins before going to bed to pray on her near debauchery. Cock tease. And pray about what? What would Jesus Do, Lyla? Let me tell you: He’d bang you, doggy style, and let Jason watch while Riggins held the camera, because let’s be honest here, you’d do it, and J.C. is a pimp. I was very disappointed by this.

Coach Taylor Tries to Tap That Fine Ass

In a pleasantly off-beat B-line tonight, was Coach Taylor’s epic desire to have sex with his wife, after the no sex ban has been lifted by the doctor. I don’t really get why he’s so eager to get back in Tami’s pants, as it was only six weeks since she spurned forth a child from her now gaping vagina. That’d be like ramming a soup spoon into the trunk of a car, as far as I’m concerned. Unfortunately for Coach T, Tami is feeling less than amorous, and refutes Coach’s advances at every turn. He even goes so far as to set-up a play date with her book club “friends” so she would get drunk and come home itching for a touchdown, if you know what I mean. This last suggestion was done at the behest of Assistant Coach Mac, who up until this point was best known for being mildly racist. His unsolicited advice to Coach about his sex life and his continual insistence on using the term “Back in the saddle” are equally hysterical, discomforting and gross. I think I preferred it when he was pro-slavery.

In the end, Coach Taylor gets Tami to agree to “want to fool around” after his big win. I have to say, that it’s a testament to what a great job that Connie Britton and Kyle Chandler have done to fully embody these two characters, that the thought of being this intimately involved in their sex life makes me uncomfortable.

The Break-Up

This was not a great week for people who hate the Tyra and Landry subplot. However, for those of us who have quietly accepted the fact that, yes, they did kill a guy together, it was a stellar time for the mismatched couple. First off, they’ve kind of reached official coupledom, the cute levels of which would send a Care Bear into a diabetic coma… and I love it.

Since this is television, and nothing is status quo for too long (especially when you are a murderer), Landry’s dad, Agent Aaron Awesome, is starting to get more and more suspicious of the fact that hellcat Tyra is hanging around his homely boy Landry. The fact that she is spending more time in the police station answering questions about the guy Landry killed, than Britney Spears spends at her lawyer’s office isn’t exactly helping. While Tyra isn’t quite a suspect yet, she’s definitely a person of interest. Well her, and either Snap, Crackle or Pop – I hear Potential Rapist Guy was a Cheerios man. Of course Tyra is a suspect! This guy tried to rape her and then ended up dead! And six people live in this town!

Agent Aaron Awesome, taking all the skills he learned on three seasons of 24 realizes that not only should Tyra stay away from his son, but that also Jack Bauer should be warned about her intentions. He heads to her house, runs into her half-naked stripper sister (not helping the “I’m not wrong for Landry” case, Tyra) and tells her in no uncertain terms to stay away from Landry.

This comes right on the heels of a showdown between Landry and his Pa, in which Landry was questioned about whether or not he knew that Tyra had been called in for question in Potential Rapist Guy’s death. Landry lied, worse than Elisabeth Hasselback supporting a Pro-Choice rally, and claimed to know nothing about Tyra’s sordid past. When his dad realized that his son was a fithy lying muggle, he headed over to Tyra’s and the smack down began.

Landry, meanwhile, was having a grand ol’ week as a Panther. It seems that the Matt Saracen/Smash rift left a hole in the team, in which Landry began to shine. Side note: I don’t know why, but every time Coach Taylor mistakenly called Landry, Lance, I laughed out loud. Every time. Anyway, Landry gets to dress for Friday Night’s game, which I’m assuming with the exception of seeing Tyra’s naked boobies was probably the highlight of his life thus far.

Sadly, the game doesn’t go well without Smash and Matt to keep the team together. At the half, the Panthers are down, and the fans are just as eager to smash Coach Taylor’s balls in a vice for losing as they are to jerk him off for winning. In the locker room, Coach Taylor is screaming, “Whose got something to say!” until finally Landry raises his hand (I love that Matt instinctively told Landry to shut up) and delivers a speech that even made Rudy Rudiger well up a little: “Maybe we’re forgetting that we’re a lot stronger together than we’re ever gonna be alone… We can either win together or we can lose alone…” It’s not Jason Street’s “Every day we get a little better or we get a little bit worse. Let’s get a little better today.” But it’ll do. And boy did it! Landry makes a game saving tackle, and then, miraculously wins the game, by MISSING a catch that was a pass interference and the game can’t be ended on a defensive penalty. With one untimed down left, Smash is able to get his hands on the ball and thanks to Landry, the game is won for the Panthers.

But all is not well for long, even at the after party, celebrating Landry’s as a Panther God. Tyra, thinking about what Agent Aaron Awesome said to her, decides that she needs to break up with Landry. Oh, no, not just break up with him, obliterate him – to protect him. This is one of those devices that work on TV, but never seem to come up in real life situations. She tells him that it’s over, and when he protests the break-up, she finally plays the ugly card: “Just take a look in a mirror. I don’t know what I was thinking with you.” It was all I could do to keep myself from leaping through the TV and taking Landry to Tyra’s car so he could see this:

All in all, a solid week, yeah? Let ‘er rip, below.

BERJnata | 11.08.07 | Filed in Friday Night Lights,Recaps