Project Runway: A Case of the Fabric Sh*ts

The show jumps right into the competition. This year we get no “Road to the Runway” show, which I honestly find disappointing because I always liked them in past seasons. Anyhting taht gives Tim Gunn more screentime I’m for. The first person to reach the Atlas Apartments is Rami Kashou. He has his own studio and has dressed such people as Jessica Alba, as opposed to me who would want to undress her. Hey-ooooohhhh!!!!! Anyways, His work is very foldy and drapey, like Eli Wallach’s balls. When he gets upstairs he meets Chris. Lovable fat gay guy. He specializes in “larger than life” costumes. Then we have Christian Siraino, who has the hair of a parakeet. He’s also worked with some big names. Carmen Webber was a former model turned designer. She says that she has an edge because in being a designer “if you haven’t modeled you don’t know the first thing”. Because walking in straight lines is a valuable life experience in learning how to make some grade a dĂ©colletage. Jillian works for Ralph Lauren as an illustrator and is excited about working on her own ideas for a change.

After that we meet Kit “Pistol” Scarbo, which sounds like a DC comics Villain. Then we meet Kevin. At first glance Kevin looks like a Jeffrey Sebelia 2.0. He goes out of his way in ensuring that everyone knows that he is totally not gay (but to his credit then realizes how stupid it sounded when he said it). I am currently fascinated with his beard and how it somehow achieves a strange camel hump in the middle of his cheek. Hey at least he doesn’t have a huge annoying tattoo on his adams apple. Next up is Jack. He is 100% pure, hot, glistening gay man meat. Which is the exact opposite of Steven. He’s more of a braised cabbage of a man vegetable. He works at the Museum of Science and Industry where he does sewing on various exhibits. Sound strange? Well that’s nothing compared to Elisa. She tells us that she got her start dressing freaky looking marionettes. This is frighteningly close to simply saying “I got my start making suits out of human skin”. After that we meet Marion and Ricky who both decide to wear conductor hats. Love it. Next up is Sweet P. She’s a middle aged woman who calls herself Sweet P. I admit so far it’s hard for me to really comment any further.

After they all get settled in they see a note on the table. OMFG!!! Its Tyra mail!!!!! Oh wait, its just a note form Heidi and Tim. And also the first plug of the season for Atlas apartments. They tell them to meet then at Bryant Park toot sweet.

On the way we meet the stragglers. Simone and then Marion (who owns a flower shop in Dallas). Then we meet Victorya, whose good friends with Kynt and Vyxen and all the other idiots who think purposely misspelling their names is somehow hip. When they get to Bryant Park they ruefully look at the fountain which in a scant few months will become the NY fashion week tents. Who will make it? How will I, a lowly blogger who devotes endless free publicity to Bravo though my critically acclaimed and wildly popular TV blog figure out a way to get in (hint, hint, Bravo people)? These are questions we will all learn the answers too soon enough. As they pop the champagne we get the ninja like entrance of Heidi and Tim as they appear from nowhere and surprise the contestants. Seriously, everyone acted so surprised when they appeared 3 feet from them. Were they disguised as shrubs until the last minute? Does Tim have some sort of Predator like cloaking device? If he did I imagine it would be charcoal gray to match his tie, and be much sleeker and couture looking than the ugly thing the real Predator uses. That thing was way too boxy and did not accentuate the wrist at all.

Tim points out that normally on the first challenge they get all wacky on everyone. We all remember last season where everyone ripped up upholstery or the season before that when they had the great Muslin off. This year however will be different. Not Running Man different where Schwarzenegger would turn the tables and turn Richard Dawson into the Running man (Admit it, you all want to see Kors forced to do one of those “make a dress out of horse snot” challenges. I know I do). But different nonetheless. They will be told to make an outfit that signifies who they are based on the fabrics in the tents at the other side of the park. And the tents are packed to the gills with all sorts of normal looking fabrics. A Refreshingly nice change of pace. Of course its still reality TV so in order to spice things up they go to a reality TV staple. Making a fat guy run.

It’s funny cuz he’s endangering his health!

They are given only 10 minutes to pick their fabrics and everyone races across the park with lovable Chris left behind to pant and wheeze as his grapefruit sized heart strains to pump blood to his extremities. Everyone frantically grabs at fabric with some shoving anything they can get their hands on and others taking their time and choosing something they actually like. Elisa stops and starts rubbing one of her fabrics into the ground to get grass stains on it. Not sure if that’s an interesting idea or if she is just grandstanding. Or should i say, grassstanding? I gots a million of em!

When they get back to the Parson studios Tim shows up and reminds them they have until 1 AM to get their piece together. Ricky goes with a baby doll dress, which I have grown to hate, and Simone says she is going “historical” which by taht I hope she doesn’t mean Precambrian. Rami meanwhile is draping like a mofo. At about hour three we get the first comment about Jack’s ripped ab’s, to which he feigns this faux embarrassment.

That night Tim comes by for his first Tim take! He loves Rami’s, calling it stunning. He’s worried about Simone’s saying she has a lot of work to do to get it finished. Then he gets to Elisa. Elisa has a nice simple clean lined blue evening gown with what looks like a massively multicolored piece of toilet paper stuck to the back of it. Tim warns her that the back is in “opposition” to the rest of the dress, the same way soap is in opposition to diarrhea stains. With only two hours left Elisa stops and declares that she is done. The rest of the group then frantically rushes around until the 1 AM deadline.

The next morning, after a nice lingering shot of jack moisturizing his muscles (oh, how they chaff…), we get right back to Parsons. Tim comes in and asks them to “gather round”. Oh how I get so giddy when he pops off one if his catchphrases. Speaking if which, where is my Tim Gunn See n’ Say? Instead of “the cow says moo” we can have things like “This bothers me” or “Time to caucus”. It can be covered with Timdoodles™.

This ones for the ladies. And the really gay men. And Bi-curious men. And for men like me who appreciate the naked male form but aren’t gay. Wait, that came out wrong.

After Tim does the show plugs for the “L’Oreal makeup room” and the “Bluefly shoe rack” (another thing to keep in mind, these obvious in show paid for promo’s are another form of revenue that the show generates in which writers get NO residuals) Tim introduces us to this seasons models! Yea! Oooh, so many to choose from! Which one will I develop an unhealthy creepy obsession with? We’ll figure that out later, first we get to watch a model fitting. But then it hit me. It looks like we got ourselves a bad batch.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

Exhibi- wait, actually this one looks like a keeper.

Once they go through hair and makeup they move onto the fitting portion. Elisa decides to “hand measure” her model and then runs her hands all along her models body. This is similar to what I do. Although by MY calculations her model looks about 9 penises long. But again, I’d have to penis measure her to be totally sure. After that she has her model do a test walk and it doesn’t look good. She says that the “sculptural quality” of her clumps of ripped fabric are catching the model up as she walks.

Now its time fort the runway show. Heidi comes out in a beautiful gold number. Oh how I want to steal her away by replacing her with a bag of sand….

As we all know, one day you are een, and the next day you are out. Who will win the 2007 Saturn Astro? Sure there are other prizes, but c’mon, a Saturn Astro!!!! That’s like winning a Flobee and a box of shrinky dinks all in the same day! after she dangles the prize lackage in front of us, it’s time to meet our judges. Michael Kors, Nina Garcia and guest Judge Monique Lhuillier.

Up first is Elisa’s mess. And on cue, her model trips on the runway. Not the funny trip that we’ve all come to expect, bent coccyx and all, from the internets, but more of a slight trip, which isn’t nearly as funny. What can I say, I’m a sucker for a bent coccyx.

After Chris rather pedestrian effort we see Kevin’s. Even his work looks like Jeffrey Sebelia 2.0.

Sweet P’s is kind of like a girly potato sack, and Simone’s is a bit of a mess as well. Badly stitched and conflicting styles. Jillian’s is my favorite since its a great color and really makes an impression with its silhouette (damn, would you look at me, talking all fashiony and shit?). Coming in a close second is Christians is brown and frilly and Victorya’s is actually quite nyce.

Rami’s is also pleasing to my eye if a little too toga looking for my tastes. Ricky isn’t happy with his as he thinks he needed to take some bolder choices.

Who turned on Desperate Housewives?

Jack’s is very print oriented and had an early sixties look while Marion’s looks like lingerie gone rancid. Marion’s is clean but the shock of red color “makes it work”, if you will (hmm, I think I somehow owe Tim Gunn a dime). Plus he has the read headed model and I’m always particular to those girls, even though this one looks like she’s 4. Carmen is a huge crazy mess, with hair to match. And her voiceover where she declares that it would be impossible for her to lose because her dress is too awesome. She’s in for a good dose of Kors one of these days. Kit Pistol’s dress is also quite nice with a red and black look (which seems to be a trend in this episode).

Afterwards the judges bring them out. They tell Chris, Kevin, Sweet P, Jillian, Jack, Marion, Steve, Carmen and Kit that they made it to the next round and can leave. The 6 remaining have the highest and lowest scores.

They love Christians, who says its based on European sculpture. Plus “volume is in” (Which is how Bradley’s POS from last season let him slip by a few weeks longer than he should have). They hate Simone’s. They think the sewing is horrible and the Jacket does not match the dress. Kors called it “so dressed in the dark”.

They lurve Rami’s. Sophisticated, chic, all that and a bag of chips. When they get to Elisa’s, they go off on her about her train of crap. It’s too heavy and drags the model down.

When they go into deliberations, Heidi has the best comment of all by saying Elisa’s outfit looks like her model was “pooing fabric”. And man, you haven’t lived until you’ve heard Heidi say the word “poo” in any of its tenses. Be it the present perfect “I have pooed” to the past continuous “I was pooing” to even, dare I say it, the pluperfect “I had pooed”. It’s all gravy.

Bringing the designers out they tell Victorya that she is safe. Then they announce that the winner of the competition is Rami. It’s down to Simone’s poorly constructed and uninspiring dress and Elisa’s ambitious yet overdone poo train. The judges choose to boot Simone since at least Elisa had a unique idea, even if it failed.

And with that we come to a close. What did everyone else think? Are ou as excited as I am that we have Runway back?

EdHill | 11.15.07 | Filed in Project Runway,Recaps

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