Survivor China: Duhnise

group-hug-120607.JPGBack at camp after backstabbing ChocoThundo, everyone is elated their plan went off with nary a hitch. Portly is even singing a song. Ironically, her singing makes everyone else throw up for once.

Of course, it starts to rain the next day. Thank Husband for Portly’s new and improved private rain-cave. Everyone’s just miserable. Even Todd is talking about how much he misses home. And how much he distrusts everyone else. Sure, he has an alliance, but everyone in his alliance is also playing for the same million dollars. What’s a gay Mormon stewardess to do? I know, let’s go lie to somebody!

Wow, it’s already time for this week’s Reward Challenge? I don’t know which is faster: tonight’s episode, or my Xanax and tequila cocktails.

The Probst welcomes everyone to the challenge, then explains today’s contest is all about speed and communication. Here’s how it works. The Survivors will be paired up in teams of two. Each team will be separated at opposite ends of a maze. They have to navigate their way through the maze, find their partner and make their way to the middle of the maze. Sounds easy, right? One catch: they’ll be blindfolded. Okay, two catches: they’ll also be hobbled. That’s right, this week’s special guest is none other than Paul Sheldon’s number one fan, Annie Wilkes!

Actually, it’s just their loved ones. Although Annie Wilkes would be way cooler. Instead, we just get to meet their fam. You know, I love my family and all, but I just can’t imagine getting this emotional after not seeing them for a whole three weeks. Sure, if The Probst trotted out my dad I’d be hellapumped. But that’s only because he’s dead.

And by weight, of course, she means virginity.

“Who’s your daddy?”

Playing with Eric is his mom. I wonder if she’s still a virgin too. Amanda’s partner is her sister Katrina. Does she too suffer from blurry butt? Enquiring minds want to know! Peih-Gee gets her dad, Lawrence. The Probst asks Todd if he’s ready for some love, then summons Todd’s sister, Brandi. I was hoping for a Big Love joke of some sort. Or at least a McLovin’ cameo. Instead, all we get is a lie about Todd’s other sister having a miscarriage. And people really think Mitt Romney can be president? Portly’s dad Graham is next. He can’t believe how much weight Portly’s put on since leaving home. Last family member is Duhnise’s husband Rob, who jogs about three steps before running out of breath and stumbling the rest of the way. Awesome.

Chariots of Tire. (Spare, that is.)

Today’s prize? A boat trip, a nice meal, and a phone call home on a new Sprint telephone. You know, because Sprint is also known for speed and communication. That might be the most awkward sounding product placement yet. Although in terms of sheer awesomeness, it pales next to the Charmin Tea House. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: when I think Tea House, I think cartoon bears shitting in the woods.

The actual contest wasn’t nearly as interesting as it sounded. Basically, everyone wandered around politely bumping into one another. There was only one good collision, when Todd bumped into Portly’s father, who mumbled something about a bloody nose. At least I think that’s what he said. It was hard to tell, since he was blindfolded. And English. It would’ve been funnier had he at least screamed “bloody bloody nose!” Or “bloody risotto nose!” (To paraphrase the great Dave Barry, that would be a great name for a band.)

I’m especially disappointed The Probst didn’t tell someone to walk into a post or something. Seriously, these past few weeks he’s gone softer than a castrato’s penis. Peih-Gee’s dad did try to point her in the right direction, which was funny since she was wearing a blindfold. As was he. For all she knew, he could have been pointing to his junk. (What? I meant his boat, you silly geese.) When The Probst pointed out that Portly still hasn’t found what she’s looking for (Her father. And a bucket. Not necessarily in that order.) she yells, “Oh stop it Probst.” Meow! Finally, Amanda and her sister kept making bird noises at each other. Well, Amanda’s sounded somewhat birdish. Her sister just kept chirping “Tatow!”. Fuckin’ hippies.

stinky-amanda-120607.JPGEventually, Duhnise and Rob win. In addition to the aforementioned prizes, she gets to pick two other teams to accompany her. She picks Todd first, because she wants to hear more about his sister’s miscarriage. Since Peih-Gee took her on last week’s reward, surely she’ll return the favor, won’t she? No, she picks Amanda. Let’s just hope her sister stops making that stupid hippie noise.

On the boat, they dig in to a feast of ribs, pizza and chicken. While sliding a bone in his mouth, Todd tells his sister she’s probably never seen him eat like this. Sometimes I don’t even need a punchline. There’s also a chocolate cake, which elicits screams from Amanda. What is it about chocolate that sends girls into such a tizzy? It’s choc, and it’s olate. Big whoop.

During the meal, the Sprint phone rings. Evidently, Duhnise has been out in the wild too long, as her husband has to tell her to say hello when she answers. I’d have told her to do something funnier with it, like switch it vibrate and sit on it. Her daughter cries through the whole call. Again, unless Rob told them that Duhnise was dead, I don’t see what the big deal is. Man, I sound like a Republican.

Good times.

Back at camp, Eric, Peih-Gee and Portly are talking about how they don’t believe Todd’s story. Portly goes so far as to compare Todd to one Mister Johnny Fairplay. She does a really funny impersonation of Todd, which actually makes me like her a bit.

When the boat returns, as is customary in China, the losers lick chocolate off the fingers of the winners. In Portly’s case, it’s also the first time I’ve ever seen a bulimic use someone else’s finger to make themselves throw up. Back in camp, Rob immediately settles in for a nap. There’s just something about a boat ride and dinner that makes a man sleepy.

Is it wrong I find this slightly hot?

While Rob and Duhnise are sleeping, Todd, Amanda and their siblings go off to pee in the lake. Todd pleads his case to Amanda and Katrina that he wasn’t lying about his sister, but it doesn’t help his credibility when he and his sister can’t even get their dates straight. He thinks she had a miscarriage at three months; his sister says it was at two. Amanda and Todd admit to their siblings that they plan on taking Denise to the final four, but after that she’s the first one to go. Why? Because they don’t think they can beat her. She has a sob story. Portly, on the other hand, has thrown up on almost every member of the jury.

Butt blurs must run in the family.

Duhnise and Rob wake up long enough to have a chat for the cameras. Duhnise talks about how she doesn’t totally trust her alliance, but at this point she has no choice but to stick with them. What a ‘tahd!

Eskimo kisses.

The next day, it’s time for the loved ones to go home. The best part is when Rob tells Duhnise she smells bad. Todd tells us it’s hard to say good bye to loved ones, but you can’t stop the game. Much like the music.

Back in camp, Denise tries to smooth things over with Peih-Gee, who’s still upset about getting dissed over the reward trip. When asked why she picked Amanda, Duhnise says Amanda was feeling faint at Tribal Council, and she was stumbling around and unable to talk. Wow, Duhnise makes it sound like Amanda was recovering from a roofie. I suspect The Probst.

Now Peih-Gee has a case of the blurs.

Hey, it’s time for this week’s Immunity Challenge. The Probst greets everyone, then explains the challenge. But not before telling Eric to give it up. The Immunity Necklace; not his virginity. The Probst tells them they’ll have to dig deep, because this challenge will test them both physically and mentally. Hmm, dig deep… Could the product placement be Preparation H?

For today’s challenge, each survivor will be attached to a rope, which snakes through a series of obstacles. At each obstacle, they have to untangle their rope by climbing over or under a pole. At the end of the course, they’ll find a set of boxes. Each box contains one true and one false statement about Chinese inventions. Next to each statement is a key. They must choose the key they think corresponds with the true statement, then make their way back to the start. If they’re right, the key will open a lock. If not, they have to go back and try again. First person to answer three questions will open their box and raise their flag, winning immunity and a one-in-five shot at a million dollars.

oh-poop-120607.JPGIt sounds more complicated than it is. And more interesting. Todd and Amanda are in the lead for most of it, with Peih-Gee in third. Eventually, Amanda misses a question, leaving Todd and Peih-Gee fighting it out. But on his third question, Todd picks the wrong answer, and Peih-Gee wins.

Back at camp, it’s time for some PTCP (Pre-Tribal Council Politicking). Todd, Portly and Denise all agree that Eric is going home. Eric, meanwhile, is out with Amanda trying to make the case for sending Todd home: anyone who’d lie about his sister having a miscarriage can’t be trusted. Amanda agrees with Eric, but not enough to go against her alliance. Shut down there, he and Peih-Gee try to persuade Duhnise into voting for Todd. Surely she’ll agree to turn on him, won’t she? Todd’s been making decisions the past few weeks without telling her; she knows she’ll be the first to be voted out once they reach final four; and he’s a gay Mormon stewardess. Of course, what’s obvious to us isn’t necessarily so obvious to Duhnise. Because while she agrees with everything Peih-Gee and Eric say, she still won’t commit.

Butt first…

Over in the shelter, Amanda and Portly are assuring Todd he has nothing to worry about, when he looks over and sees Eric and Peih-Gee working on Duhnise. He gets up and reminds her that he’s had her back this whole time. You know, except for those times he didn’t.

Duhnise even tells us she knows she’ll go further in the game if she switches sides tonight. “Writing someone’s name down tonight is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY.” Actually, it’s just a million dollar signature, but I haven’t thrown out a Trump quote in quite some time.

Guilty feet have got no rhythm.

At Tribal Council, The Probst asks Amanda about spending the reward challenge with Duhnise and her husband. She says it was great seeing the bond Duhnise has with her family. The Probst asks Duhnise if there’s a downside to people seeing that bond. Sure. She doesn’t know if people will want to give a million dollars to someone who already has a good life. I don’t know if I agree with that or not; they gave it to Richard Hatch, didn’t they?

Next, The Probst asks Peih-Gee what she thinks will happen at tonight’s vote. She thinks there’s some definite ambiguity going on. The person who’s fourth on the other side should start thinking that they could turn the game around and at least be third if they switch to her side. Hmmm, I wonder who she’s talking about?


Must be Duhnise, because that’s who The Probst goes after next. She says she knows she’s at the bottom of the barrel, and she wants to stay as long as she can, so of course she’s going to switch to Peih-Gee and Eric’s side, right? Wrong. She stays loyal to her original alliance, and Eric is voted out. Maybe at least now he’ll get to give Jamie his precious flower.

Overall, I think this was one of the more boringer episodes of the season. And Duhnise definitely made one of the more dumberer decisions of the season. Agree? Disagree? Care?

copygodd | 12.07.07 | Filed in Survivor China

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