As-Salaam-Alaikum, Sandra Leesteinberg
So I was going to do one of my brilliantly crafty Sandra Lee-caps like this blast from the past but when I set about to grab some screen shots, I came to the conclusion that I a) really had nothing high-minded to say and b) I didn’t really have to say anything high-minded. Her oozing absurdity speaks for itself. Or, at least the pictures do. I swear she’s just fucking with us on purpose. Every single ingredient and my description is accurate. No shit.
Ah! Where are her eyes and teeth? What’s with the wicked bias cut? Let’s get “cookin’!”
Mmmm, everyone loves delicious meatballs! Crafted simply by hand in kitchens from Rome, Italy to…
… Rome, New York’s Frozen Ball Meat Factory.
Speaking of balls, here are her date balls. My balls have gotten me plenty of dates. Just sayin’.
Her glee over the booze speaks volumes
1. I enjoy her rubber band bracelet.
2. Debatable
WTF is that?! Gee Sandra, that looks fun to drink, you moron.
Is that tree adorned with what I think it’s adorned with?
Oh my Rob, yes. Sandra’s ode to booze; a tree with all her various cocktail glasses strewn about it. So weird.
Moving on… Everyone loves holiday cake! Sandra, the whitest WASPiest woman on earth is making a Hanukkah and a Kwanzaa cake! Yum!
Um? Really?
Yes. Really.
Some delicious frosting from the can…
Some delicious blue food coloring…
Some marshmallows (marshmallows?!) in the center…
Some blue frosting globbed on…
Give your Jew cake a pearl necklace for some reason, and you’re all done! Mazel Tov! Now let’s celebrate Kwanzaa!
Kwanzaa kakes are apparently also Sam’s Club Angel Food cakes with apple pie filling shoved in the middle instead of marshmallows.
With the same crappy icing
This part was kinda hot
Lastly, don’t forget the pumpkin seeds and acorns on your Kwanzaa Kake!
I have no jokes here, I told you that. I’m at a loss.
sg-dub | 01.02.08 | Filed in Food Network
I remember all your old wonderful food network recaps, every one had me in stitches. But one outdid all the rest, and I think will never be topped. Can you re-post the old Giada Disaster of 2006 (Or maybe it was 2005, I don’t remember)?
Comment #1 on 01.03.08 at 12:04 amAnd today, Sandra Lee actually encased a roast in a salt shield, and had to chisel it out when it was done cooking. I was horrified. And then Giada showed up…
Comment #2 on 01.03.08 at 12:05 amWell, I gotta say, I thought she had adorned her tree with inflated condoms…Then I put my glasses on and proceeded to the next, closer-up image. But if you cross your eyes a bit, they STILL look like festively depending translucent balloons.
Comment #3 on 01.03.08 at 7:50 amI still can’t believe she’s got a cooking show. I think the ppl at Food Network just use her for comic relief. That has to be it. Fake cakes and frosting from a can? Man I never woulda been able to pull that off w/o her instruction.
“WTF is that?! Gee Sandra, that looks fun to drink, you moron.”
Hilarious commentary Sir Dub.
Comment #4 on 01.03.08 at 9:43 amWho the hell has a lifesize Nutcracker? That freaks me out.
(sugarshane – the “2006:It’s a Giada Disaster” was B-Side)
hb
Comment #5 on 01.03.08 at 11:26 amYeah, but thanks sugarshane, I guess. Since it was B-Side’s post over at the old site we all used to write for, I guess we can’t move it over as it’s probably owned by Bunim-Murray. And that sucks as bad as a cranberry granita.
Comment #6 on 01.03.08 at 11:33 amOh! I’m sorry sg-dub… it’s clearly been awhile since I’ve been over there and read it.
Comment #7 on 01.03.08 at 11:47 amNice balls, dub.
Comment #8 on 01.03.08 at 12:18 pmThe Food Network posts are some of my favorites as well. Who would want to drink something that looks like a mangy parrot dropped its feathers all over it, then spit up some regurgitated blue worms into the glass? I guess nobody would now, after reading that description!
Comment #9 on 01.03.08 at 2:31 pmI have watched this episode a few times because she reminds me, in all my pasty white glory, that at least I am more ethnic than her.
By the way, her “acorns” are corn nuts. I am certain.
Comment #10 on 01.03.08 at 3:07 pmsugarshane – for your perusal: http://www.midseasonreplacements.com/wp/?p=6
sg-dub’s ode to Giada. Enjoy.
Sandra Lee is a hack. I saw that crappy martini she made, she called it a Snowflake Martini. Said it looked exactly like a snowflake. Um, how? Are snowflakes made of sweetened coconut? Are they made with nasty-ass nondescript blue liquor? Not last time I checked, but it doesn’t snow here in central CA, so what the hell do I know?
Comment #11 on 01.03.08 at 3:18 pmBobbie, I thought they were condoms on the tree, too. :)
Comment #12 on 01.03.08 at 5:11 pmI must admit, I’ve never watched Sandra Lee’s show. Looks like I’m not missing anything.
a) I liked the tree. Only beer bottles would have been more festive with their colorful labels.
b) I thought the blue drink was awesome. WHOTHEFUCK cares about color or presentation? If it has an alcohol content I’ll drink it.
Comment #13 on 01.03.08 at 7:20 pmI prefer to think of her as that domestic “trollop”.
Comment #14 on 01.05.08 at 5:34 pmAll I could think of as I looked at that ridiculous blue drink was how all that flaked coconut would end up all over my floors as people tired to drink. I don’t really care for chewy dried up coconut with my cocktails.
Hey! Don’t besmirch Rome, New York’s name by comparing it to that trailer trash filth! I have had the best Italian-American style meatballs I have ever had in Rome, New York (seriously its like the only thing that makes yearly pilgrimages to see my aged grandmother there worthwhile).
Comment #15 on 09.19.08 at 5:08 pm