As-Salaam-Alaikum, Sandra Leesteinberg

So I was going to do one of my brilliantly crafty Sandra Lee-caps like this blast from the past but when I set about to grab some screen shots, I came to the conclusion that I a) really had nothing high-minded to say and b) I didn’t really have to say anything high-minded. Her oozing absurdity speaks for itself. Or, at least the pictures do. I swear she’s just fucking with us on purpose. Every single ingredient and my description is accurate. No shit.

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Ah! Where are her eyes and teeth? What’s with the wicked bias cut? Let’s get “cookin’!”

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Mmmm, everyone loves delicious meatballs! Crafted simply by hand in kitchens from Rome, Italy to…

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… Rome, New York’s Frozen Ball Meat Factory.

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Speaking of balls, here are her date balls. My balls have gotten me plenty of dates. Just sayin’.

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Her glee over the booze speaks volumes

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1. I enjoy her rubber band bracelet.
2. Debatable

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WTF is that?! Gee Sandra, that looks fun to drink, you moron.

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Is that tree adorned with what I think it’s adorned with?

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Oh my Rob, yes. Sandra’s ode to booze; a tree with all her various cocktail glasses strewn about it. So weird.

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Moving on… Everyone loves holiday cake! Sandra, the whitest WASPiest woman on earth is making a Hanukkah and a Kwanzaa cake! Yum!

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Um? Really?

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Yes. Really.

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Some delicious frosting from the can…

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Some delicious blue food coloring…

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Some marshmallows (marshmallows?!) in the center…

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Some blue frosting globbed on…

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Give your Jew cake a pearl necklace for some reason, and you’re all done! Mazel Tov! Now let’s celebrate Kwanzaa!

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Kwanzaa kakes are apparently also Sam’s Club Angel Food cakes with apple pie filling shoved in the middle instead of marshmallows.

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With the same crappy icing

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This part was kinda hot

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Lastly, don’t forget the pumpkin seeds and acorns on your Kwanzaa Kake!

I have no jokes here, I told you that. I’m at a loss.

sg-dub | 01.02.08 | Filed in Food Network

 
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304 responses to “As-Salaam-Alaikum, Sandra Leesteinberg”

  1. sugarshane says:

    I remember all your old wonderful food network recaps, every one had me in stitches. But one outdid all the rest, and I think will never be topped. Can you re-post the old Giada Disaster of 2006 (Or maybe it was 2005, I don’t remember)?

  2. sugarshane says:

    And today, Sandra Lee actually encased a roast in a salt shield, and had to chisel it out when it was done cooking. I was horrified. And then Giada showed up…

  3. Bobbie says:

    Well, I gotta say, I thought she had adorned her tree with inflated condoms…Then I put my glasses on and proceeded to the next, closer-up image. But if you cross your eyes a bit, they STILL look like festively depending translucent balloons.

  4. plethLaura says:

    I still can’t believe she’s got a cooking show. I think the ppl at Food Network just use her for comic relief. That has to be it. Fake cakes and frosting from a can? Man I never woulda been able to pull that off w/o her instruction.

    “WTF is that?! Gee Sandra, that looks fun to drink, you moron.”

    Hilarious commentary Sir Dub.

  5. honeybunny says:

    Who the hell has a lifesize Nutcracker? That freaks me out.

    (sugarshane – the “2006:It’s a Giada Disaster” was B-Side)

    hb

  6. sg-dub says:

    Yeah, but thanks sugarshane, I guess. Since it was B-Side’s post over at the old site we all used to write for, I guess we can’t move it over as it’s probably owned by Bunim-Murray. And that sucks as bad as a cranberry granita.

  7. sugarshane says:

    Oh! I’m sorry sg-dub… it’s clearly been awhile since I’ve been over there and read it.

  8. Boop says:

    Nice balls, dub.

  9. braunie says:

    The Food Network posts are some of my favorites as well. Who would want to drink something that looks like a mangy parrot dropped its feathers all over it, then spit up some regurgitated blue worms into the glass? I guess nobody would now, after reading that description!

  10. RachWho? says:

    I have watched this episode a few times because she reminds me, in all my pasty white glory, that at least I am more ethnic than her.

    By the way, her “acorns” are corn nuts. I am certain.

  11. gir says:

    sugarshane – for your perusal: http://www.midseasonreplacements.com/wp/?p=6

    sg-dub’s ode to Giada. Enjoy.

    Sandra Lee is a hack. I saw that crappy martini she made, she called it a Snowflake Martini. Said it looked exactly like a snowflake. Um, how? Are snowflakes made of sweetened coconut? Are they made with nasty-ass nondescript blue liquor? Not last time I checked, but it doesn’t snow here in central CA, so what the hell do I know?

  12. may says:

    Bobbie, I thought they were condoms on the tree, too. :)
    I must admit, I’ve never watched Sandra Lee’s show. Looks like I’m not missing anything.

  13. pearlblackdragon says:

    a) I liked the tree. Only beer bottles would have been more festive with their colorful labels.

    b) I thought the blue drink was awesome. WHOTHEFUCK cares about color or presentation? If it has an alcohol content I’ll drink it.

  14. msCCRN says:

    I prefer to think of her as that domestic “trollop”.
    All I could think of as I looked at that ridiculous blue drink was how all that flaked coconut would end up all over my floors as people tired to drink. I don’t really care for chewy dried up coconut with my cocktails.

  15. Chasgoose says:

    Hey! Don’t besmirch Rome, New York’s name by comparing it to that trailer trash filth! I have had the best Italian-American style meatballs I have ever had in Rome, New York (seriously its like the only thing that makes yearly pilgrimages to see my aged grandmother there worthwhile).

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