First, as happens every week here in the East, my TiVo snags the last portion of “60 Minutes” due to NFL football. I’d just like to say…

B-12 and lidocaine? More like, ahem, LIEdocaine. Now go away.

So… The gang’s all rested in Mumbai, India and one can only presume they slept on beds rather than open sewers like the others in town. Phil appeared with just a hint of sexy chest hair poking over his shirt to tell us the teams would be leaving India and headed 4000 miles to Osaka, Japan to some castle place. The Land of the Rising Sun!

Show us your tits!

Last leg’s winners ToKe and Roachel, who have already won a 10-day trip to Japan, excitedly left the Pitstop first and headed straight for a nearby hotel to utilize the concierge’s Internets to secure the best possible flight. Smart move dirtballs; for as we all know, Indians and IT go hand-in-hand. Heck, I work with them everyday at my job when it comes to system design and enhancements. So ToKe and Roach could sit back, put their stinky feet up, and let the Indian guy work his technological magic.

“Ya, see, help a dame out, see…”

Team Gramps left next and took a different tact – taxi straight to the airport. (For once, it was actually open.) Ron and PoorLittleChristine opted for a local travel agency. This was after Ron (Chinese American) yelped, “Ooo! Japan! Land of Sushi!” Which was perfectly fine and all, but just seemed somehow “off” to me. Once again, his far more mature and erudite daughter mentioned that she’d spent a good amount of time in Japan studying abroad.

Let’s see… Grass is still green and shit still rolls downhill… time for another “Capitulating Ron!” clip! He reminded us, as if we needed any reminding, that he was indeed “wrong” again last leg and yes indeed, he was acting the asshole once more. What else? He needs to listen to his daughter a little more and needs to change his ways and it was time he enjoyed the tangy taste of man-juice on the back of his tongue.

If this face and coif don’t positively scream “Capitulating Ron,” then I’m a little teapot.

Okay, he didn’t really say that, but I felt the need to spice it up a little bit since “Capitulating Ron’s!” broken record has grown so tiresome. And besides, what man wouldn’t want Ron to enjoy his meats?

Last place NATE! and JEN! began the leg and – wait for it – time for another “Capitulating NATE! and JEN!” clip! They, too, must actually practice what they continue to preach and this time dagnabbit, they really will do it! They’ll stop arguing ad nauseum and be better people to each other and will change their ways and it was time they showed real affection for each other and so they kissed.

Sounds safe.

No. Really. They really did kiss – I swear! No shit. I’m serious! Really. I’m not kidding. Sigh.

Team ToKe’s IT expert secured a totally kick-ass 6:55 PM flight from Mumbai and assured them it was best. And you totally knew it was, too, cause the dude called the customer service department and talked not only to the call rep (his wife’s uncle) but then to the supervisor (his uncle’s daughter’s arranged marriage brother’s wife). So Team ToKe was IN. IN like lamb in curry.

“Yes, my PC is plugged into the wall. Yes, the plug cord is plugged in securely to my computer. Yes, my monitor is plugged into the computer via the USB cable…”

PLChristine was working the ticketing agents at the airport and – sucker that she is – was thinking of an 8:30 PM flight. Since “Capitulating Ron!” only exists at pitstops, real Ron emerged again and blasted his poor little daughter to be sure she gets the best flight. Then, in a quick, beautiful second, PLChristine turned into SDLChristine (Sexy dragon lady Chrisitine), turned towards her pops and hissed, “Hai xua mu shia xA!” Meaning, “Just leave me alone, asshole.” Yay Christine!

Christine should be mean more often. Yowza.

After working the travel agent and getting a taxi to the airport, there he was again, mere minutes into the leg, whining like a little bitch that his INDIAN taxi driver didn’t perhaps understand his ENGLISH instructions about dropping him off at the correct airline terminal. So poor old Ronnie had to move his poor little butt across a few hundred yards to get to the right spot. Whining and kvetching the entire time… while PLChristine reminded me of me with my TWO-YEAR OLD CHILD.

“Must. Keep. Pretending. To like this. Girl. Must. Keep. Pretending.”

The later-leaving three teams, using different methods/agents, all secured a flight leaving Mumbai at 8:30 PM. That meant Team ToKe had a 95 minute advantage on the other three teams off the bat. I’m telling you, those dang Indians man, they’re taking over the – Phil? “These three teams have a later leaving flight but only one stop in Hong Kong. Team ToKe will have about 7 stops including Katmandu, Irkutsk, and Baghram Air Force Base so you won’t being seeing more than 30 seconds of ToKe footage the rest of this episode. Moonbeams and crystals to you, Hippies. See you in the next Age of Aquarius.” (In so many words.)

He even sleeps dorky

Ah, Osaka. JEN! was first to hit the streets and still appeared happy somehow. (Can you say “sake?”) She noted that two of the remaining three teams had ancient near-crippled men on them so they better freaking win this damn race. Good point, JEN! I can’t argue with that one. Just one thing…

PLChristine talks a mean Japanese; as she hopped into the cleanest and classiest cab – it’s like a Mr. Belvedere on every corner there – and busted out perfect Japanese. Well, to my white-boy American ears anyway. She implored her cabbie to take the fastest route and he suggested, “I take highway.” Um… Yeah, dude, do you have a choice? Oh wait, this is Japan… there’s always the flying car Gobot option as well. My bad.

Is it me, or does this shot from the passenger seat of the taxi look like EVERY SINGLE car racing videogame from 1992-2001?

NATE! and JEN! reached the castle first and they (and in turn we) got to enjoy what this stunningly beautiful place had to offer in about 6 seconds of hectic running around footage. Thanks. They missed the cluebox initially, ran around some more, then found it… Without fighting! I think as long as that little princess JEN! is in first, she tones it down a bit.

The clue at the castle (boy, I’d like to know what that castle is like) told them to taxi it over to Noda Station to find a cleaning man. Off they went, just as Ron and PLC arrived. They also missed the clue and actually poked around inside the castle for a moment. Ooooh, it has a floor! Thanks TAR! They found it eventually and were on there way.

Anyone else feel badly for the poor Japanese guy hiding his TaxiPackage while in presence of such greatness?

Somehow Team Gramps fell appreciably behind the other two teams and had time to chat. They randomly guessed that Ron and/or Christine spoke Japanese. I’m guessing this was purely out of ignorance, however. Like, “They Chy-neese! Them speak the Chy-neese. In Japan, they just speak Japan Chy-neese, it ain’t no different.” Don’t laugh – I’ve met plenty of people who think all Asians are the same, speak the same languages, and share the same culture. It’s embarrassing.

Meanwhile ToKe and Roach were boarding another flight to god knows where and poor Roach was detoxing. Watch closely:

Gramps did go on to say that Christine was a smart cookie who went to Princeton or something like that. Then again, was he just assuming “cuz she one of them Chy-neese?” Who knows, but he was right. Maybe that’ll make him feel better now watching his team also miss the dang cluebox. Sheesh.

On their way to the cleaning man, PLChristine noted how crazy the streets were and how she’s “never driving in Japan.” Good ol’ TAR then supplied the gong at which point astute viewers said aloud, “Oh yes you are.” Sucker.

And I’m never calling your dad an asshole again. GONG.

NATE! And JEN! Found the cleaning man who supplied the next clue. I guess that was TAR’s way of showing us Americans that “Japan is clean!” Kinda like how the garbage heaps in Burkina Faso said, “Burkino Faso sucks!” and the Indians sleeping in the street said, “You never want to visit here!” JEN! Tore open her clue and read it. If she were funny (read: like me) should would have thrown the tear-off strip onto the ground for the cleaning man to clean up. I hate missed opportunity.

Roadblock! One team member would have to become an Osaka taxi driver and navigate the insane streets for 5 miles to find a post office – but the clue was in Japanese. For once, they could NOT be led there by local help in a car, which is a rule they should implement across the board. Little JEN! Had chosen to do it, so she was on her way in full taxi driver regalia. Hat and white gloves, nice. Jen, and I hate me for saying this, looked sorta cute in the get-up and I don’t know why.

PLChristine also opted to do the Roadblock and upon reading what it was, gave us a hearty, “Fuck!” It turns out that she can’t really drive at all as she lives in a big city and doesn’t drive. It also turns out that she is an Asian woman and, well, we all know about them behind the wheel. One would assume a multi-lingual Ivy grad would figure she must practice such things as DRIVING before heading off on TAR. And now, she’d have random fare’s lives in her hands. Fun!

JEN! And PLChristine asked a few passersby for directions and were on their way, once they figured out how to start and drive the cars. PLC’s Japanese wasn’t really helping her navigate and her passengers looked positively terrified. How much liability does CBS have for this show? Then again, this is Japan and I can only assume everyone drives very carefully and respectfully and slowly. If this challenge were in Moscow or Rome or Boston then this show would be on the SPIKE network on “Most Scariest Crashes Ever XIX.” A boy can dream.

Nick would drive for his team and promply plopped the hat on his head askew, just so. I previously had no real opinion on Nick, but now I hate him. Yes, I can be that shallow. All three were getting closer to the post office and kept stopping to figure out just how to get to the doorstep. Nick, hat now backwards, asked his deer-in-headlights fare if they were comfortable with the temperature. They were like, “Dude, just drive. Shut up and stop turning around. We don’t want to end up on Monster Island.”

Back at the station, Gramps and Ron shared a cookie. I have no idea why we were shown this odd little vignette, but it sure made me laugh, what with Ron bulging cheeks and Gramps’ gutteral grunts of approval.

“Uhrn.” “Grrn” “vggrr.” “Mmrr.”

So you’re tooling around Osaka and suddenly an ever-present taxi stops next to you and a doofy white American kid honks for your attention and asks for directions. Oh, and his hat is backwards because he’s an idiot. How random must that have been? Especially if you happened to be Chizuru Ayase famous from all your Iron Chef judging duties. God, she’s hot.

After scaring the kaka (if caca is Spanish for shit, I can only assume kaka is the Japanese) out of their passengers, JEN! Reached the post office followed by PLC and later, Nick. JEN! Yelled “Oh my God” instead of her preferred “gosh.” I guess she figured her Lord and savior doesn’t pay attention to the goings-on in the idol-worhipping nations so she can get away with it. Now they all had to find their way back to their partners…

All three made it, with only Nick having some difficulty. The order of arrival was the same as departure, so this task wasn’t TOO difficult, methinks. Now it was off to the next clue. JEN! And NATE! Hopped in their taxi and JEN! Poked the driver yapping, “Okay, lookit! We are in a – ” then she pantomimed a monkey climbing a tree. Oh how I wish they were taken to the zoo; she meant “race” of course, but this episode served as a reminder to never partner with JEN! In charades.

Roachel kisses like a pug

After a commercial break where I learned that Johnny Fairplay will be on the next Survivor – Say what?! The guy who sullied some girl’s bed with his feces while high on coke on some dumb E! show will appear in my living room again? America sucks sometimes, I swear.

Then, as a spectre may fleetingly appear in the flickering shadows of a Victorian parlor, ToKe and Roachel appeared back at the Osaka airport. Don’t worry, they were still mellow. Not mellow was JEN! I present to you, dear readers, my favorite scene of TAR12:

Yes, JEN! Had a valid point. But what this scene says to me is, “NATE! Hates JEN! And can’t be bothered to listen to her voice anymore, and I quite enjoyed that. This wonderful scene was followed by another great snippet; that of Ron and PLC’s driver slowly dying while driving them. Dude was gasping for each breath with a high-pitched sound like a balloon when you stretch the mouth and let the wet air out. Creepy. Compassionate Ron noted that he hoped the guy didn’t croak before delivering them to their destination. Nice guy, that Ron.

Maybe it was the fan belt making that noise.

Detour! Sense of Touch or Sense of Smell. PhilPackage appeared to explain the choice of two tasks and honestly, droned on way too long. Play cell phone controlled robot soccer or sniff out a real flower among a ton of fake ones. With all his yapping I don’t know how he left out the part about the green haired Oompa-Loompa:

JEN! noted her bloodhound nose (poor thing, having to be in the same room with ToKe and Roach) and then almost got hit by a bicycle commuter. Didn’t smell that coming, did ya? They found the fake flower shop and began sniffing. “Holy Schneikees” said NATE! “Oh my Gosh!” replied Jen. These two are so weird – pollyanna in one way, evil incarnate in another. It’s like when JEN! Is giving NATE! A rusty trombone, he’s moaning, “Oh gosh, affirmative,” and she’s groaning a muffled, “Gee willikers, your posterior is divine!”

Lady in orange just minding her business… and then! She catches wind of a powerful force snaking up behind her!

She turns, drawn to it uncontrollably…

Ahhh, yes. There it is. The PhilPackage™

Ron and PLC opted for the flowers as well and got started by putting their hands behind their backs like long distance speed skaters. They agreed to do it as though this was the internationally understood and accepted method of competitive smelling. I’ve so much to learn on the subject. Like how when one smells the air a lot, it makes them trip out like as if one were at a Pink Floyd concert. So says JEN! Anyway. The team who would know better appeared again for a short moment, riding in a taxi with ToKe telling Roach how much he digs her. Team Gramps went with the robot “challenge.”

I put “challenge” in quotes because it was a joke. Their competition was GIVING goals away! Pathetic. Too bad the old man couldn’t figger out this dagnabbit technologee and still could’t score even with a clear path to the goal. Sorta like EdHill in a whorehouse, if I may turn a cliché. Speaking of clichés, JEN! Was whining! Whining about the amount of flowers – right before finding the correct one. To the pitstop with them!

The couple was delerious with the prospect of winning a leg finally. They told their driver to take them to Tampon Park (or so I heard) but he didn’t know the place. (Maybe because it wasn’t really pronounced “Tampon Park.” Just a guess.) They tried a couple more drivers to no avail. Meanwhile, PLC saved her team yet again and found the flower. To the pitstop with them! Too.

Of course, PLC pronounced the name of the park correctly and they were on their way. NATE! Finally found a driver in the know and got into the taxi with JEN! JEN! Freaked, claiming she was pushed somehow. We were then treated to a slo-mo black and white review of the pushing action; like a Dateline recreation but real! Turns out, NATE! Didn’t appear to touch the little tramp. “That could cost us,” claimed JEN! Um, how, exactly? For the record, I think NATE! Would be pushing JEN! out of taxis, not into them.

Neck and neck to the pitstop … And the winner is… THE PHANTOM OF OSAAA-KAAAA!

Seriously, WTF is that? Phil finally gets a chick and she has a dick? What did he really do to deserve such a fate this season? And the winner is… PLC! (and Ron along for the ride). They also won “an electric vehicle” of some sort too. Phil didn’t exactly say car… My guess? An electric catamaran, TAR style, of course!

Gramps punches Nick just for being so damn dorky.

NATE! and JEN! came in second, but didn’t seem like they hated it this time. Gramps limped in third. That meant Phil and the tranny would have to wait around for what appeared to be about 3 days for Team ToKe. (Apparently it was only three hours, but sheesh, you wouldn’t have believed that.) We were forced to watch a maudlin video tribute to the dirtballs, as if they were tragically killed on the Race.

“Ah-hhahaaahahahahhahahahhahha, we are soooooooooooo fucking high right now, maaaaan! ahahaaaaahhaha!”

Philimination time… except it wasn’t. Non-elimination leg so I get to hate on hippies for at least another episode. To recap: withdrawing hippies, ignoring NATES!, munching old men, and tranny mat mates… are why TAR rules. For me, it’s ALWAYS about the little things.

sg-dub | 01.09.08 | Filed in Recaps, The Amazing Race