Project Runway: Mona Losers

Last week we bid a long overdue farewell to weepy, tragi-hatted Ricky. Opening this episode, Sweet P is actually surprised he’s gone. Really? She can’t possibly have thought he deserved to stay, unless she had plants that needed watering by human tears. Then I realize she’s only surprised because she knows she sucked bad enough to go home too. Let’s face it, Sweet P’s dodged a lot of bullets this season, elimination-wise. The collar on that men’s shirt alone should have gotten her on the next plane home. 

There’s the obligatory primping, moisturizing, caffeinating, checking for outbreaks, and self-medicating. Designers, they really are like the rest of us. But wait…no footage of the hotel door closing? The morning feels incomplete.

pr0213_1.jpgThen we go to the runway and the same things happen that always happens so we’ll just fast forward as Heidi come out and looks pretty but also kind of orange and Christian sticks with his model so the other one goes home and Heidi asks if they are ready even though she never really cares if they are ready and she announces another field trip and Rami is pissed but Jillian’s meds kick in and she is happy. The end.

There is no Tim Gunn to lead the designers on their field trip, so they are forced to navigate through Manhattan alone. I love that despite having to walk and  already  having two challenges that involve running, it has not deterred Jillian from wearing four-inch-heeled cruel shoes for the field trip. At least it looks like Chris’ man-purse is big enough to hold survival gear for everyone.

pr0213_2.jpgThe designers brave the wilds of the Upper East Side, which the other designers assure Sweet P is full of museums, fabulous stores, and rich white people. Jillian doesn’t understand what could be worth visiting east of Madison Avenue. Considering they are housing the designers over in Hell’s Kitchen, she should be grateful for excursion. But maybe the poor dear’s feet are hurting.

Of course there is something fabulous west of Madison, and I’m not just talking about Tim Gunn in a snazzy suit. He meets them on the steps of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I am already excited for this challenge, although I think they missed out by not combining this with the WWE challenge.

Tim takes them to the Greek and Roman sculpture garden announces that they will each choose a piece of art as an inspiration and make anything they damn well want. Rami takes one look at all the marble togas and wets himself. They are pretty happy, and I can’t blame them. This is a great idea. I can’t wait to see how they’ll screw it up. Because The Met is colossal, Tim limits them to Greek and Roman sculpture (thank him later, Rami), European Art, and the Temple of Dendur. They will use handy product placement cameras to photograph the artwork. Whew! For minute there I was worried there wouldn’t be any product placement. Those communists at The Met don’t even charge for admission.

Chris rags on Rami for his love of togas. If not for Mr. Gunn, Chris would be my favorite gay on this show. Rami doesn’t bother explaining how stupid Americans can’t possibly understand how fashion-forward it is to copy 2000 year old dresses, because he has found his perfect woman: a toga with no head.

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“It’s perfect! J. Lo will rock this on the red carpet! Has she lost the baby weight yet?

Christian manages to find a fierce looking coat on what looks like the Charles Manson of 17th century Spain. Chris is so happy he’s literally giggling like a school girl, while Sweet P gloats that she could have touched a painting but didn’t. Then who is responsible for this, Sweet P?

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Back at the studio, Tim announces they have $300 bucks and two days.  They’ll have to choose one photo. After a boring trip to Mood, the designers get to making it work. Christian says he’s doing a feminine version of this guy’s look.

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But he’s keeping the beard and the pit bull. Odd. Sweet P chooses a painting of a peacock. I envision a strong talking to from Tim Gunn in her future.

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Heh, heh…”hand-cooter”

Rami says everyone can kiss his Jerusalemite ass, he’s sticking with togas. Jillian goes with a huge painting of Jason and the Argonauts, so we can only hope her dress will be made out of golden fleece. Finally, Chris chooses a portrait of Marie Franciose de La Cropte de St Abre, Marquis d’Argence.

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“…but it’s Miss Cropte if you’re nasty.”

As they work, Christian looks like he’s making a huge bat out of fabric. Working at the pace of a hyperkinetic squirrel, he manages to complete about five pieces as Jillian sloooooowly irons random bits of fabrics. I think they need to exchange medications, just to even the personalities out a bit. Jillian snaps out of her stupor long enough to tell Christian to shut up.

The next morning, the designers shuffle back into the studio. It looks like Chris has outfitted his mannequin with a humongous ruffle. Poor guy couldn’t stay away from making parade floats forever. Christian thinks it looks like the dress they collaborated on earlier, and I can’t say he’s wrong. Then Christian goes back to making the same puffy sleeves he always makes.

Casual Tim (no tie) comes by with the models, except for Sweet P’s. Her model has had some crisis. Well, I think on America’s Next Top Model, she would get a stern talking to from Tyra, for being a no show, not to mention a sassy insult from Miss J.

Tim comes in later to announce a “special guest.” The designers freak out for a second, expecting some sort of terrible wrinkle in the challenge, like they have to use the Art Museum Guards as models, or they have to make a second dress out of canvas and  marble.

But they don’t have to worry, the special guest is Mr Clean! Really, it’s the Loreal make-up dude, to run the boring-ass product placement. He consults with everyone on all the make-up, and it’s dull, except for the part where he suggest a “Joan of Arc” make-up look for Jillian’s model, and she nods as though EVERYONE knows what that is.

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“We put the religious hallucinations here, and the soot from the stake-burning here. Fabulous!”

Later, Chris announces that his dress has reached maximum volume and he is DONE. He goes to take a nap in the Project Runway Lounge. When Tim stops by, he is appalled, and not just by the snoring. After he drags Chris back into the workroom to show him the dress, Tim says he should still be working to improve the dress, obviously. It’s the last damn challenge! But Chris feels the siren call of that comfy sofa, now fully tricked out with a huge Chris shaped depression in the center, and refuses to do anything else. I’m sure this will work out well for him.

Moving over to Christian, Tim is super impressed that the spastic hamster gotten so much done. I’m finding it harder and harder to believe that it’s all natural energy on Christian’s part. But who knows, maybe that hairdo manufactures it’s own natural meth supply. Tim calls the random collar-ruffle-thing an “obfuscation” which is Timspeak for “you’re freaking me out, dude.” Christian replies that he wanted pieces that could be worn individually. Tim and I both wonder exactly where one would where this

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Although it looks like it could double as a skirt. Tim worries about cohesion, but Christian loves his own fierceness, so there. Tim moves on to the real train wreck, Sweet P. As usual, she’s floundering. Also, I think she is wearing a bathing suit under her dress. Jebus, I want to crawl through my TV screen and buy that woman a proper bra. Tim points out that her peacock “feathers” are not very feathery. The whole thing just looks tacky at this point. Sweet P has pulled it together before, though.

Tim loves Jillian’s jacket, but it’s clear she’s way behind. She really needs to get some of what Christian’s been swallowing. Rami… sigh, Rami. Can you guess what his dress looks like? I knew you could. Except this times it’s in lavender. Tim points out that while it’s a lovely dress, Nina will rip his kidney out and swallow it for not doing something new. She once beat a man to death with his own arm for inadequate ruching. Girl has standards, not to mention superhuman strength and a taste for blood. Tim tells them to “make it work” and leaves.

Sweet P’s model finally shows up and gets a big hug, before Sweet P makes her take her clothes off. I hadn’t realized it before, but Sweet P’s dress has pockets, just like real peacocks do. This does not bode well for her.

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I put this in for the guys, but personally, all I can think is “hipbone!” It really catches the light.

The next morning Christian does some extra special primping with his flat iron, and we get a final glimpse of Rami in his towel, or as he like to call it, his “mini toga.” He’s passionate about the way it drapes. One final round of personal hygiene routines, and they are off. Au revoir,  flossing footage!

pr0213_10.jpgSweet P hustles into the workroom to finish her dress, so when the model comes in all she can do is wave her arms around and try to send good energy Sweet P’s way. Jillian is really panicking, although she continues to speak in the same flat monotone that she always does. While her lips are forming words about how she dreads returning to her hellish life as a cubicle drone, she looks as though she’s about to pass out from boredom.

Well, she recovers enough to call Christian’s design “marshmallowy” and I have to admit, I’m getting a definite Stay Puft vibe from it.

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But she continues to freak, in her weird, stoned, way. She starts hacking at the bottom of her dress and burning her model with the steamer. I getting the distinct impression she would love to sneak into the ladies room and cut herself for a little while until the demons subside.  Eventually, Tim arrives and hustles everyone out.

On with the show! Roberto Cavalli stops by to guest judge. Between the accent and having smoked about a billion cigarettes, Project Runway is forced to subtitle him. If an Italian coffee grinder could speak, it would sound like this guy.

Chris’ dress is out the gate first. The huge collar thing does remind me of the other dress, but I like it. I wonder if it has some functional use, like acting as a shield from the wind, or preventing the model from scratching her ears, like those cone thingies they put on dogs.  Here’s his dress with the previous dress for comparison.

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The only thing I have in my notes for Christian is “dear god,” although I also kind of like it, especially when she took off the weird collar thing to show the vest. Christian says he wanted to feminize the look, but wound up making the model look like she has a penis.

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As Rami’s model struts the Runway, he comments “I’m passionate about draping.” Really, Rami? We couldn’t tell from the five million dresses you make that are draped. It’s not just that the man drapes, it’s just that we’ve seen the same thing over and over. Christian may be passionate about the puffy sleeves, but he’s still an inventive little munchkin. Also, what’s with the random strip of fabric across the back?

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Sweet P’s dress is just bad. Like a really weird apron over a dress made from upholstery fabric. I appreciate her trying to be practical with the pockets and all, but does anybody need all the extra width in the hips? It’s handy at a party where there’s a buffet, I’ll admit, but still. It’s also not very peacocky, especially with the red fabric.

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Lastly we have Jillian. It’s a good thing Tim Gunn dragged her model off to the runway, otherwise Jillian might have shortened that skirt up into Britney territory. I’m not super-wild about it as it comes down the runway, but one the model opened up the jacket, I loved it.

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Plus, you can tell Cavalli loved it too.

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He’s enthralled.

The designers and models gather for the judging. Christian tries to show how many different ways you can wear his outfit: with/without the vestlet, with/without the fedora, with/without the fake penis, all depending on your mood. It is a very cool looking outfit. Cavalli growls “I la bery mahch.”  And by the way, can someone subtitle Nina for me too? I could have sworn she said the outfit was “practical.” That can’t be right.

Moving on to Chris, Cavalli rasps “Ah tink, mahbe, Carrrrrrrrrrrissssssss, ees rilly mahbe ze mohst urteestic for ahhll of yoo,” then hacks up a piece of his lung.  I suspect Cavalli only got through the judging by plastering his torso with nicotine patches. Chris starts to cry, especially when Cavalli follows it up with “Ah cahn seeee yoo…show eeen zee fyooochur…yoooor cohlection een Parrissssss…mahbe zee hooot cooochur,” Awww. Yay Chris! The other judges clearly don’t want to disagree with the man who dresses Posh Spice (she will kick their asses), but they are unhappy about the resemblance to the previous dress.

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Nina likes Jillian’s interpretation of a  band of mercenaries roaming the ancient world for plunder (let’s face it, the Argonauts were assholes) as a disco dancer with a sensible coat. Cavalli says he would like to have her on staff. Oh, I get it, the dude gets a haute coutre show, and the chick gets a job as your assistant. Nice. Especially since Jillian wants to escape the cubicle slavery.

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“…ahnd yoo cahn mahk me zeeee café…mahbee wit a leeetle of zee…how you say…zucchero? Foor ze sweetnissss, no? Zen, ah tahk ze ideeyas from yoo and cahl zem mah ideeyas. Zen we smok ze zigarettes. A lot.

Sweet P… poor, doomed, Sweet P. The best the judges can say it that the dress is okay for ready to wear, and they are being kind. Cavalli wanted more fantasy, almost as much as he wants another cigarette and a hit from his oxygen tank.

Rami launches right into his “passionate about draping” defense, so much that uses the word “passionate” twice. The judges are not happy. The like the dress well enough on it’s own, but wanted something different. Rami doesn’t get why they are so down on the draping.  It’s his PASSION, people! Toral understands.

“Draping!”

During deliberation, it’s pretty clear that Jillian and Christian are “eeen” and Sweet P is out. The judges are very patronizing about it, first criticizing her for being wearable than adding “not that there’s anything wrong with that…for a poor person with no taste…or fatties.” Well, they didn’t say the last part, but you know they were thinking it. They are clearly split over Chris, especially because Cavalli loves him.  Rami’s also in doubt, and since the Bravo poll this episode was over Rami’s draping “addiction,” it doesn’t look good.

pr0213_21.jpgBack on the runway. Heidi announces the winner…Christian! He is on for fashion week. He skips offstage. Jillian will be joining him, and even she manages to dance around, showing the world where she stashes her mike-pack, if you know what I mean.

No surprise, Sweet P is out. Now it’s down to Rami and Chris. Heidi accuses Rami of being consistent but safe, on the other hand, Chris can bring drama, but repeated himself. So who will go? Chris is in! Yay Chris! So Rami can pack his togas and…wait a minute…Heidi announces that Rami is also in! The judges were deadlocked. Chris needs to kiss Cavalli’s chain-smoking ass, he probably would be going home if not for him.

It’s a Motherfucking Walk-Off! Or it will be. Rami and Chris will both go off to make their collections, like Jillian and Christian, but when they return for fashion week, Project Runway will have a run-off. They’ll pick the best three outfits from their collections, and the judges will decide who gets to have a real show at Fashion Week.  That’s pretty awesome.

They come back stage, and Sweet P realizes that she’s the only one who sucked enough to be eliminated. Ouch. Everyone hugs her though, in one of the weepiest goodbyes yet. They shouldn’t be too sad. As part of show secrecy, all five designers will have a shows at Fashion Week, but two of them will be decoys. You can full coverage of all five collections at Blogging Project Runway.

What do you guys think? I can’t argue with the choices in the final five, although I might have gone ahead and eliminated Rami. Next week is the reunion, followed by a two-part finale. Here’s a sneak peek at Rami’s collection (Warning: Spoilers!)

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brilliantmistake | 02.17.08 | Filed in Project Runway,Recaps

 
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