Project Runway: Tim Gunn Ain’t No Holla Back Boy

Episode 3 begins with someone named Daniel talking about how he’s sad Wesley is gone. And I’m like, yeah, it’s too bad Wesley is gone becaus–HUH? WHO IS DANIEL? I swear I have never seen him before in my life.

Hmm. Moving on.

On the runway, Heidi appears in what looks like spray-painted-on jeans talking about how they’re mixing up the model selection this week. (Yawn.) But only if the winner of last week’s challenge (Suede) wants to change models. Suede announces, however, that Suede could never change models because Suede loves Tia.

Dear Suede…
Know what Kristy thinks? Kristy thinks Suede knows how to play this game. Kristy thinks Suede thought long and hard about how to be a quote-worthy camera hog. Kristy thinks Suede came up with a stupidly easy way to get serious air time. And Kristy notes it’s working.

Also, I don’t think there’s any benefit to showing a model walking off the set unless we also get to see her cry. (Is that so wrong?)

Anyway, Heidi says that the designers have all been working hard, so they’re going to get a night out on the town. And you know what’s hilarious? They all BELIEVE HER. Seriously, has no one ever seen this show before? On Top Chef, “night out on the town” is universally code for “You’ll be cooking for drunks.” On Project Runway it means something akin to “Wear an extra layer of clothing because you never know what you’re going to have to make a cocktail dress out of.”

And then I guess none of the fashion-forward contestants thought to bring raincoats, because next thing you know, Tim is escorting them out to a double-decker bus in the pouring rain and they’re all wearing fugly ponchos.

Fug Poncho Brigade

It’s team Fug Poncho!

Apparently, this week’s challenge “is to design a look of [their] choice, for a night out on the town, inspired by New York at night.” They are given cameras and told that the tour bus will have four stops. A handful of the contestants will get out at each stop and take pictures they’ll use for inspiration back in the studio.

Not much happens while the designers are snapping photos. Suede forgets to talk in the third person. (Poseur.) Stelleatha (that’s Stella + Leather, pronounced “leatha”) decides the tour bus isn’t THAT cheesy, but has a lot of trouble figuring out how to make the camera work. Blayne asks about tanning salons, but that’s just because he’s insane. Keith declares that he was born and raised in Salt Lake City and that all his family members are practicing Mormons and that’s hard because he is gay.

Sorry, Hiro.

Not only is he gay, but — if I’m understanding my religions correctly — he’s going to be struck by lightning any second now.

Keith

Keith: Hot. Gay. Probably Damned.

The next day, the designers have 30 minutes to pick the photo they are going to use for inspiration. Then they’re going to buy their fabrics and then they’ll have a day to make their garments. We see the photos the designers have selected, and they’re all pretty diverse and interesting and New York-ish. YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW IT FROM THE RUNWAY SHOW, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Oh, also?

Dear Blayne…
Not only are you all kinds of creepy-crazy, but your bleached-blond, greasy surfer-dude hair style DOES NOT conceal the fact that you’re losing your hair. Parting your hair four inches above your neck doesn’t make you not balding. Why not embrace it? Shave it? Because really, too much product in too little hair is not a winning combo.

P.S. You remind me of Kevin from Mr. Belvedere.

Blayne v Kevin

The designers go to Mood, run around crazy, return to the studio, and get to work.

Oh, hey! Apparently there’s someone named Joe on the show.

Kenley, who is donned from head-to-toe in a retro look, feels the need to explain that she likes incorporating the 40s and 50s aesthetic into her work. (Yes, dear. We know.) More importantly, my boyfriend and I have a long conversation about whether or not her mouth is reminiscent of Ione Skye’s. I say it is. It’s also my current contention that Kenley isn’t too bright and laughs inappropriately and/or when she doesn’t understand something.

NOTE to self: Leanne has bangs and sometimes wears glasses. (Though my boyfriend insists they’re so big and ugly that we should call them “safety goggles.” He also thinks that’s laugh-out-loud funny and wanted me to blog that he said that. So there you go. Leanne wears safety goggles. Neener, neener.) Jennifer is kind of like Pam from The Office. Leanne = bangs, safety goggles. Jennifer = Pam. I seriously cannot tell them apart.

WEIRDEST THING EVER ON PROJECT RUNWAY. EVER. EVER:

At one point, for no reason, Kenley looks up and sees Blayne just staring at her, wide-eyed and smiling. And then in some low, robotic voice he says to her, “I’M GONNA EAT YOU.”

Gonna Eat You

Kenley tries to laugh it off, which I give her credit for, but WHAT THE HELL? If this were my show, that would be the end of Blayne. Dude, no more licking the zinc oxide. Time to go home.

You don’t think so? Okay, then, further proof that Blayne has maybe done a few too many whippits with the Bain de Soleil.

Tim: Alright designers, you have until 1 a.m. to finish. Okay?

Blayne: Alright, Tim. Holla atcha boy.

Tim: Holler at your boy? Is that the phrase?

Blayne: Yep. Holla atcha boy.

Tim: Holler? At your boy? What…does it mean?

Blayne: It means holla atcho dawg. Shout out.

OH WELL THEN. That is very helpful, dumbass.

(Turns out I do know who to hate.)

………………………………………………………………….
The Runway Show

On the day of the runway show, everyone is pressed for time and stressed out. It’s kind of like they’ve never had a challenge before. It’s weird.

Keith finds out that his model has had to drop out of the competition (some kind of model emergency, no doubt) and no one, including Keith, seems to care.

Begrudgingly, the designers head out to the runway and we are introduced to the judges. Nina, Michael, and the Poster Girl for Crazy herself, Sandra Bernhard. They are billing Sandra as a comedienne, actress, and “New York Nightlife Aficiondo,” which I think pretty much means “coke fiend,” but I’m not up on my street terms.

Also, Sandra and botox seem to have made each other’s acquaintance.

Sandra B (B is for Botox)

The dresses all come down the runway and we, the viewers, are like, “Really? That’s…it? These dresses are supposed to represent New York City nightlife?”
Ouch.

As follows:

If you pause your DVR player while Keith‘s magazine-inspired dress is on screen, you’ll note it looks like she’s wearing a bright white chicken-feather dress.

Chicken Dress

Judges say: No good.

Um, I would also type out a chicken sound here, but I don’t know how you spell it. Buh-cawk!(?)

Blayne‘s dress is half-black, half- looks like it was made from balled-up tissue paper and Elmer’s glue, circa kindergarten. Do not get.

Blayne Dress
Judges say: Okay?

Joe — who everyone seems to think has been in this competition all along, even though I’d swear he’s new this week — has a dress that looks very literally like his photo. It’s pretty and gothic-y and just fine.
Judges say: Okay.

Emily‘s dress is black with looks-like-tissue-paper also, except in this case the tissue wads are the size of my head. Not good. Nina says “no comment,” which everyone says is the WORST thing a judge could say. I disagree! I’m pretty sure Michael Kors pronouncing the word acrossT, as though there is a T in it, is the worst thing I’ve ever heard come out of a judge’s mouth.
Judges say: Why are the poofs where they are? This is old and tired and outdated. Auf!

Leanne (Safety Goggles)’s dress is really pretty and creative, but I can’t get over how her model seems to be clomping down the runway.
Judges say: Good job!

Jennifer (Pam from The Office)’s dress is horribly matronly and weird. She claims it’s surreal. She’s right, but not for the reasons she thinks.
Judges say: Baaaad.

Jarell (wha? who?) has made a lovely, evening-gown-y dress. It looks like it was a lot of work and I have no idea why it wasn’t given more props.

Jarell Dress
Judges say: Okay.

Kelli‘s dress is totally funky, hard, black, inspired, and New York. I think Kelli is going to go far in this competition, despite that her dress, too, is overlooked.

Kelli’s Dress
Judges say: Okay.

Remember Daniel from earlier in this post? Me neither. But he made a dress. It was shiny.
Judges say: Okay.

Kenley‘s dress is some bizarre concoction of tulle and 1984 and crazy. I would not dub it “fresh” but what do I know? Oh, right. Nothing. She is this week’s winner. (????)

Kenley FTW!
Judges say: 80’s power bitch and also adorable…For the win!
(I think it looks like a Whitney Houston album cover backsplash.)

Suede‘s dress is pretty awesome looking if you ask Kristy.
Judges say: Okay.

Stelleatha‘s outfit is very her. Tight, shiny, clubby. I can’t tell what she spent all that time in the workroom banging on, but it sure pissed off the other designers.
Judges say: Okay.

I would wear Korto‘s jumpsuit. Well, you know. If I were half my weight and twice my height.
Judges say: Okay.

Terri‘s garment was…I dunno. It was creative and interesting. I wouldn’t consider it “hard” or “street” though, which she claims to be. And even though the fabric represented her photo of graffiti very well, it seemed too cheerful to work with her concept.
Judges say: Fierce.

Bottom line: It came down to Keith’s weird magazine-page chicken dress, Jennifer’s surreal matronly get-up, and Emily’s tissue-paper pipe-cleaner dress. They Auf’d Emily. Message? Creativity gone awry is still better than almost no creativity at all. Emily’s dress was well made and well tailored, but was entirely lacking inspiration.

Emily’s Dress

Plus no one likes huge tufts of tissue paper flowers jutting out from their boobs.

Kristy | 08.04.08 | Filed in Project Runway,Recaps

 
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