Project Runway: I Get To Type The Word “Titties”
(Which, by the way, is the most interesting thing about this episode)
This lame, illustration-in-passive-aggression episode begins with Daniel announcing there is no way he’s going to be in the bottom again. Which, in Project Runway Editing Speak, means “Daniel is going to be in the bottom again.”
Yeah, so, we’re off to a lukewarm start. Ladies and gentlemen? Get your cocktail shakers ready. It’s gon’ be a loooong night.
Heidi appears in a Barbarella-esque mini-dress, hauls out the models for Korto, Korto stays with her model, and the model named Alex is out. In a shocking turn of events, Alex waves to the contestants and…well…she speaks! A whole sentence! I was under the impression the models were mute. “Good luck, everybody.” Wow, huh?
Heidi announces the challenge: You will be designing for a high-powered and glamorous professional woman.
And then Blayne says, “I just really don’t want it to be Hillary Clinton because…” and I am already wincing. I don’t really like Blayne, and I don’t want to listen to hate-filled political vitriol from someone whose greatest personal priority is tanning.
But I give him too much credit.
“…because I would never win if I made a neon pantsuit.”
Oh, right. I forgot. You are totally irrelevant. Carry on.
They meet Tim in the workroom to find out who the professional woman is. Meanwhile, the designers try to guess who it’s going to be. Stelleather thinks it will be Sharon Osborne, Queen of Rock, because “she is a businesswoman.” They also guess Joan Rivers.
I find myself squinting at the contestants, wondering what world they live in. Greetings from Planet Happy Tan! Whatever, la la la. We’re three minutes into the episode and I am making myself a second martini.
Brooke Shields enters and the designers seem happy, except for Stelleather who looks like she has no idea who Brooke Shields is. Brooke informs everyone that they are to create a professional, day-into-night look. But not for HER, for the character she plays on a television show no one watches, Lipstick Shameless Plugging. Brooke goes on to tell us all about this character, as though the character is a real person.
Dear Brooke: Gosh, you’re pretty.
(Yeah, I’m taking pictures of my television now.
Oh, and the designers have to work in teams of two. Meaning it’s about to get all dramalicious Project Runway style, because — surprise — no one wants to work with anyone else because everyone thinks they’re the best. (Note: no one is right.)
Off to the Races!
The designers sketch their ideas for the make-believe character’s outfit, and then they each pitch Brooke on their concept. It’s kind of fun to watch as the designers alternately flatter and terrify her.
I stuck out like a sore thumb in my small town. NEON!!!
My favorite moment is Stelleather explaining that the make-believe businesswoman should wear a leather corset. (Yeah, I know.) So when Brooke says, “But she’s still gotta go to work in this,” Stelleather, who has likely never stepped foot in an office building in her life, does not understand.
Yeah, but it’s a BUSINESS CORSET.
Brooke selects her favorites and I have to say — I’m a little impressed with her daring. She seems charmingly optimistic, and I kind of want to pat her head. She clearly has not seen what this season’s “barrel of mediocrity” (to quote Hiro) is capable of. The poor dear. She’ll learn.
She then has the honor of telling everyone that the winning design will be featured on her show! Good luck, designers! Play your cards right, and some make-believe person is going to wear your outfit on a show you’ve never heard of!
The six selected designers pick their teammates. This is what is supposed to happen:
- Keith is going to make a long skirt with layers of fringe. Keith picks Kenley as his teammate, saying “as long as I can get her to shut her mouth a little bit and stick to sewing, we’ll be good.” I am torn by this. It’s a horrible thing to say, but it’s also true. The only thing to do as a viewer is to hate both of them.
- Korto envisions using a “perfect palette” of orange, berry and green to make a an outfit that involves beading. Brooke thinks it sounds delightful. Korto selects Joe as her teammate, whereupon Joe gets this goofy grin on his face that creeps me out. I think he was afraid he’d be picked last, and his fragile male ego couldn’t handle it.
OMG. I realize his expression is very David Brent. I don’t think Joe is going to last much longer.
- Jarell is going to make some camel/khaki colored dress with a splash of color. It seems kind of whatever to me, but he claps and sings and does a little shoulder dance and then calls her Ms. Shields. It’s maybe the gayest thing we’ve seen him do so far, and it wins points. He’s pretty darn charming in his lavender tank top. Jarell picks his partner last, which means he’s stuck with Stelleather.
(This is the most unexpected and bizarre pairing in the room, but I don’t mind because now I can call them Team Jarelleather.)
- Kelli is going to create a leopard print dress. This seems like a horrible idea to me for so many reasons, on so many levels. Brooke lets her go for it anyway, with the warning that she should be “a little bit careful with the print.” How does one “be careful” with a leopard print dress, anyway? Kelli opts to go with Daniel over Stelleather, because she’s concerned about Stelleather’s construction abilities.
- Terri‘s going to make a chic outfit with long, high-waisted pants. She selects Suede as her teammate, which I find shocking. Is he really less of a train wreck than the others?
- Blayne wants to give her something a little different, like a Bermuda short. Good on Brooke for seeing the potential, even though she claims to be “a little scared.” Blayne thinks it’s “a brilliant idea.” He gets to choose his partner first, and he picks Leanne.
The designers go to Mood for fabric, blah blah blah. While there, Kenley is insistent on this GODAWFUL print. “Nothing could be better!” she claims. Finally Tim comes along, holds the print in his hand and looks like he might sick all over it.
He suggests they find something else. Kenley rolls her eyes.
Meanwhile, Daniel is busy whining at us in his interview, saing that he’s not a fan of the prints Kelli’s picking; we then see him telling Kelli that he thinks her fabrics are “pretty.” This is why no one likes you, either, Daniel.
Back at the studio, the designers learn that there’s no immunity for the winner. Because appearing on Plug Me Jungle is honor enough.
They begin designing, and literally everyone starts whining. Kenley doesn’t like the design she’s working on. Kelli likes to do things herself, her way. Also, she was a latchkey kid, raised primarily by her handicapped grandmother. This is Project Runway Editing Speak for “Kelli is either going to win or go home.” Suede is afraid that they don’t have enough fabric. He is afraid to cut the fabric. He is afraid to sew the fabric. Mostly, he is afraid of Terri.
And then Terri says, and I have to quote it exactly, it is just that amazing, almost like prose –
I don’t know what he’s packing,
balls or va-jay-jay,
but he needs to work that out;
‘cuz I ain’t got no babies
ain’t nobody suckin on my titties,
Leanne is afraid that there’s too much going on in Blayne’s design. Blayne declares that he grew up in a small town where he stuck out like a sore thumb and also the reason he’s crazy is because he gets it from his family. Yes, Blayne, that tends to be how it works.
Kenley bosses Keith around, because she is the queen.
Hahahahaha! I am Kenley!
I laugh at your silly ways because
I am the queen! Also, because I am insecure!
Behold my “retro” costume! See how interesting it makes me!
Team Jarelleather seems to be working just fine, what with Stelleather banging her leather into submission and Jarell doing who-knows-what.
Tim visits and decides to send in the models. We get a sense of what the designs are starting to look like. Daniel has created a skirt that looks awful, lopsided, and uh, “swabbly.” Daniel freely admits he doesn’t care because it’s not his design and he’s not going to be the one going home.
The models leave. The whining resumes full-tilt.
Terri hates the shirt Suede has made. She says it’s “jacked up,” reminding us that she is very street. Suede goes back to the sewing room. Kenley immediately asks how Suede’s shirt is, knowing full well it’s a disaster. Terri says, “it’s horrible,” and storms out of the room. I say Kenley is horrible and storm into the next paragraph.
Later that night, Tim visits the designers to point out why they are lesser human beings. He gets to Blayne’s outfit and notes that the Bermuda shorts aren’t really a sophisticated look for evening. They discuss. Even though, hi, it’s a pair of shorts. Other than taking them off, I’m not sure what options you have for making them look “evening.”
Tim is excited by Jarelleather’s collaboration. Not so much with the leopard print, teal lining, black lace thing. The Terri/Suede shirt Tim thinks is gorgeous, and the most awkward hug I’ve ever seen on the show ensues. Tim stops by Keith/Kenley and notes that the GODAWFUL print from the store has not made its way into the design.
Tim: Can you imagine?
No. I can’t.
Kenley tries to laugh it off, but is horrified.Tim gets to the Korto/Joe team and Joe takes it as his opportunity to tell Tim that he has concerns. Instead of having mentioned this to his partner, whom he’s been working with all day. Korto does not appreciate Joe’s passive aggressive behavior, and scolds him like the sad little homophobe he is. She’s not going home (she has immunity), so if Joe has issues, it’s his ass on the line. He needs to man up, too.
Sidebar: Korto might be my favorite. And I’m not just saying that because our asses are pretty much the same size. Holla.
The next morning, it’s the same scene. Designers running everywhere, complaining about each other. Kelli doesn’t understand why Daniel can’t make a skirt. Kenley also bitches about Daniel, saying he’s always talking about his good taste, but she’s never really seen it. Jarell is mad at Terri for liking her own design. Jarell doesn’t like Kelli’s dress. Leanne complains about Korto and Joe’s dress construction. Blayne is happy with himself.
The models come in and get prettified. I note that one of the makeup tools is an actual airbrush. I wonder how much that would cost. More than an eyelash curler?
Also, can I get all pop-psych on you for a second? I’m fairly certain that every time Kenley laughs, it’s her super hypersensitive lack of self-confidence kicking in. I also noticed in this episode that she seems to have issues with people who show self-confidence. Anytime someone says what they’re good at, she complains or laughs. Why does she care what others think of themselves? Because she’s struggling with that herself.
Not that this makes me like her any better.
Oh hey! A commercial for Lipstick Jungle. Coming this fall to NBC. Color me surprised.
You can see all of the designs here: http://www.bravotv.com/Project_Runway/season/5/photos/gallery.php?e=episode_5_rate_the_runway
Korto & Joe: I love it. The jacket is a little bit mango-y, but the look is interesting and reflects Korto’s style while being exactly what the challenge asked for. The dress construction is a little off. They’re safe.
Kelli & Daniel: Ugh. It’s so tacky. The top looks like a piece of lingerie from Frederick’s of Hollywood. Daniel badmouths the whole thing. The judges hate it. Brooke says the shape is “unfortunate.” Michael calls it “slutty, slutty, slutty.” Buh-bye.
Jarelleather: Gorgeous! It incorporates both of the designers’ styles, it’s pretty, it’s flirty, and I could totally see it winning. The judges like it. Good textures, feminine, well made. They’re the runners-up.
Keith & Kenley: Pretty and interesting. The ruffled-fringe-chiffon skirt kind of takes over the whole design and is a little weird, but I guess it’s unique. It’s a well made outfit. The judges think it’s absolutely beautiful, if not entirely appropriate for daytime office wear. It’s the winning design. I note that Keith says, “I did it!” No sense of “we.”
Terri & Suede: Gorgeous. Fun and modern, with an edge of chic. I don’t think it looks much like the sketch (which seemed to be all about the pants, whereas this was all about the shirt), but what do I know. They’re safe.
Blayne & Leanne: To be fair, I think this outfit looks exactly like the sketch, exactly like it was pitched, exactly like it was supposed to. Which never made any sense to me. It’s well made and pretty, but not right for the challenge. The judges say: too casual, not sophisticated enough. Heidi says the model looks like she didn’t have a mirror. (Ouch!) Michael thinks it’s boring.
Ultimately, the judges question Kelli and Daniel’s taste level. (Uh, along with Kenley, who literally laughs aloud when Daniel says he has sophisticated taste. Nice.) Daniel could have helped, could have edited, could have done more, but wussed out. Kelli takes the fall.
Every season, the cute, non-confrontational-but-funky twentysomething girl goes home too early. This year’s no different, though Kelli’s looks was barely defensible. Sigh.
At least next week we get Drag Queens, like for real. I hope they — and their out-of-control confidence — give Kenley a good smackdown.