The theme for this cycle is “Feel the Love.” In the Tyraverse, this translates to everyone dressing like a hippie and standing around an allergy commercial, at least judging from the website. I hear the show goes to Amsterdam this cycle, so maybe Tyra’s just going with a drug theme.

The show has a batch of mostly young ‘uns this time around. At least in terms of the show, they’re practically geriatric by modeling standards. Tyra’s also foregone having a plus size model. She gave those pudgy whiners a plus-size winner last cycle, she must figure that should be enough. This season’s not-like-the-other-gals model is transgendered. If you don’t already know, see if you can guess who. Answer at the end.

Analeigh

Age 19, Student, Sacramento, CA

Analeigh’s groovin’ right into the peace and love theme with her jewelry (suck up), but gets minus points for an overly complicated name. Not as bad as Katysbghma from last cycle, but still.

Brittany

Age 19, Customer Service, Henderson NV

“Customer service” plus Nevada equals hooker, no? Hopefully, I’m wrong about that. And what’s with the sudden popularity of high heels and shorts?

Clark

Age 19, Student, Pawleys Island, Virginia

Clark will have some charming story about how her father always wanted a boy, or loved superman, or Clark was her great grand pappy’s name wut fought in the War of Northern Aggression. I had her pegged as the small town girl who would freak over nudity until I saw this picture on the ANTM website.

So, NOT SHY. And not afraid to wear high heels with jorts.

Elina

Age 19, Unemployed, Seattle, WA, by way of Berdichieve, Ukraine

The third consecutive cycle with a Slavic hottie, although it took a while to figure out last cycle’s Anya was from Russia and not Mars. Between the black hair, black clothing, and bad stomach tattoo that I’m sure says something really, really deep, she’s clearly trying to be the edgy artistic girl. Tyra’s know to dislike tattoos, so it will be interesting to see her reaction. I’m sure she’ll be moved by whatever poignant saying is inked on there. How often I’ve read someone’s tattoo and thought “wow, that tramp stamp really made me stop and think.”

Hannah

Age 19, Student, Fairbanks AK

 Uh, she seems nice. After all the Sarah Palin madness that’s been going on, I have little to say about Alaskans, except she’d be chilly in that dress. I see the word “catalog” in her future.

Isis

Age 22, Program Assistant, New York, NY, by way of Prince George’s County, MD

It’s always suspicious when “older” girls from New York audition from the show. If you had modeling chops, wouldn’t you be in the biz by now? Most likely to be compared to Tyra, thereby displeasing Tyra and causing her dismissal in the following episode.

Joslyn

Age 23, Student, Lucky, LA

 The oldest model, yet still a student. She’ll get that PhD any day now. Tyra will fashion her weave out of the many threads hanging from her skirt.

Lauren Brie

Age 20, Student, Charlottesville, VA

Lauren Brie has attitude written all over her. Moms, when you name your child “Lauren Brie” you have to expect that thing won’t turn out well.

Marjorie

Age 19, Student, San Francisco, CA, by way of Marseille, France

Exactly how may Agyness Deyn’s does this world need? One the plus side, she comes in with the Mia Farrow hair.

McKey

Age 19, Student, Lake Forest, IL

Anyone else miss the 1980s? McKey does, and she wasn’t even born then. Looks like someone broke into Mom’s closet! The same mom that named her McKey, on purpose.

Nikeysha

Age 19, Student, Bronx, NY

I’d like to assume that because she’s from the Bronx, Nikeysha will be shy, studious and never get scream at someone to “say something to her face, bitch.”  Somehow, I think that won’t be the case.

Samantha

Age 18, Student Athlete, Woodland Hills, CA

Oh, a student athlete. Take that, all you mere students. I predict a speech on how athletic competition have prepared her for this competition. Also most likely to get the dreaded “too pin up” criticism.

Sharaun

Age 18, Student, Chicago, IL

Most likely to have her hair completely ruined in the makeover, should she make it that far.

Sheena

Age 21, Hostess/Go-Go Dancer, Harlem, NY, by way of Honolulu HI

Parents, when you name your child Sheena, on some deep, subconscious level you must know that she’s destined to wind up a “go go dancer” in Harlem. Most likely to get in a huge fight with Nykeesha or Lauren Brie or both (here’s hoping!).

So who is the transgendered contestant? I tries to guess myself. Here’s how my thought process went.

First off, it’s nobody with a masculine name. No one goes through the painful and expensive physical process of transgender transformation to end up with the name “Clark” at the end. So that eliminates Clark and McKey.

 Secondly, I cross off anyone with too short hair, for similar reasons. Scratch off Marjorie.

Thirdly, it takes time, usually adult time, to get a convincing girl-look on so I eliminate everyone under 21 in the biggest cut of all, no pun intended.

At this point, only Joslyn, Isis, and Sheena are left. Hmmm, this is tough. Joslyn is the oldest and therefore the most suspicious. On the other hand, Isis and Sheena are both in New York, a much more welcoming community for the transgendered than Lucky, Louisiana (I assume). It’s a toss up between Isis and Sheena, although I’d guess Isis on looks.

Ha! I am right, although the age thing was kinda cheating. According to Wikipedia, her full name is Isis Tsunami, which I think is also a sushi roll.

Catch the premiere tonight!

brilliantmistake | 09.03.08 | Filed in America's Next Top Model