The Intertubes have been abuzz latetly with one burning question: Will “guns and beer anti-condom advocate” Levi actually marry “abstinence education works!” Bristol? (Nope – not the question as well as the answer.) Will Hurricane Ike ruin Senator McCain’s September Surprise? (Nope – not the question and that will come in October.) Will that crazy chick in Florida who killed her daughter be featured on Nancy Grace 42 times between now and Halloween? (Yes, but that’s not the question.) Will sg-dub reappear from the murky depths of the blogosphere to recap The Amazing Race yet again? Yes, Robdamnit… at least as much as time and life allows.

As an appetizer, I thought I’d embarrass myself yet again by previewing this season’s TARsters based solely on their 5 paragraph blurbs posted on CBS.com. How wrong will I be? Dreadfully wrong, I’m afraid, as I always am. Prognostication is the sole province of sports betting… but what the hell, it’s fun to make fun of people I know nothing about. Except this year’s team of hippies. I feel pretty solidly about them already. Let’s get to it… Presented in the order CBS presents them to us.

Terence and Sarah

Hmm, another faux-hawker on reality television. Do faux-hawks exist outside of this very small community? If they do, I haven’t noticed. And Terence (“I faah-ted”), what’s with the large rubber necklace and bracelet? And the rather attractive and intelligent girlfriend? Something is amiss here…

Terence and Sarah have been dating for almost a year, but they couldn’t be more different.

Gee, that’s a new team dynamic. Sheesh.

Sarah has an MBA from Wharton and is often the only woman in meetings during her long days working on Wall Street, while Terence sells real estate to pay the bills and satisfies his true passion by coaching runners.

Wait. Terence pays the bills? What is Sarah doing with all her MBA-Wall Street-I’m a woman in a man’s world money? Oh, that’s right, paying off that Wharton education for the next 7 years. At least if they win, and I think they have a good shot without even looking at the other teams yet, she can at least pay off some of her tuition debt with the million dollars.

Sarah claims that the biggest difference between the two is that she is lower maintenance and Terence is more emotional. However, she believes they share a competitive spirit and they’re smart, energetic, adventurous as well as fearless.

Terence describes himself as witty, sensitive and driven. One of his proudest accomplishments is finishing the last two New York City Marathons in under three hours.

Hmmm… necklace, purple bracelet, “more emotional,” thin and fit, “sensitive,” girlfriend who works “long hours” and is never home much… You see where I’m going here.

This Team is determined to prove to themselves whether they belong together while on the Race. They hope that being well-traveled, physically fit, and highly competitive will help them win the $1 million. They think their biggest weakness could be the tendency to become too intense, fighting amongst themselves, or their dietary restrictions. Regardless of whether they win or not, this adventure will definitely be a journey that could make or break them.

Ah yes, the time-honored tradition of “Couples Counseling via Reality Television!” It’s worked so well in the past, hasn’t it? And just what are their “dietary restrictions?” Is it a choice like vegetarianism or is it more exciting? Like an extreme lactose intolerance that gives one of them serious uncontrollable diarrhea? Cause, y’know, that would be awesome.

MSR Odds on winning: 3-1
MSR Odds on Terence having a lisp: 2-1

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Marisa and Brooke

Awww, another pair of blond women who are out to prove they aren’t just a couple of pretty blond women by reminding viewers 9 times per episode that they are, indeed, pretty blond women, but that’s really not all they are! These two hail from some southern backwater where neon pink J-Lo tracksuits are still all the rage. And looking at their picture here, aren’t they more white-haired rather than blond?

These charming southern belles are best friends and are up for any challenge. They want to prove to the world that they’re not just cute blondes and that they can be athletic, cut-throat competitors.

Didn’t I just say that? Pssst, CBS, we viewers know by now that’s what every team of blond chicks is out to prove. It’s redundant at this point.

Marisa is currently a broadcast journalism student at the University of South Carolina. She describes herself as ambitious, witty and spontaneous. Her extensive dance training has taught her to be focused and determined, skills that could help her to do well on the race.

Don’t laugh. There have been plenty of times when I’ve noticed people dancing at airport ticket counters with great success. (Note: I eschewed the much easier “pole-dancing” line. Thank you.)

Brooke is fascinated with other cultures and can’t wait to try out some of the Spanish she learned while living in Spain. She works as a graphic designer and enjoys traveling, painting and being outdoors. She believes that her take-charge attitude will be enough to get them through the rigors of the Race.

“Spanish in Spain?” Who’s gonna be the one to tell her that was actually Spanglish at Senor Frogs?

She and her best friend are certain this adventure will make them even better friends. And if they have to do a little flirting along the way, they’re not opposed to that either – whatever it takes to cross the finish line in first place.

And blond women everywhere sigh. Again.

MSR Odds on winning: 34C-1
MSR Odds on roots showing before sent packing: 3-1

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Andrew and Dan

Wacky alert! A redfro! A John McCain jaw! College pranksters! Eh, who knows, they may be entertaining I guess. And points for refusing to match outfits for their publicity photo.

Life couldn’t be any better for these fraternity brothers. Andrew and Dan met while attending Arizona State University and the last four years have been filled with good times. Some of the Teams refer to Andrew and Dan as “Team Superbad.”

Listen here, “Team Superbad,” I’M the arbiter of TAR Team Nicknames and you’ll be “Team Superbad” only when I say you’re “Team Superbad.” Punks. I’ve only know one person who attended ASU; and they never made me laugh. Just sayin’.

Now they are ready for a life-altering experience. Andrew, a senior, is studying urban planning. He is hoping to make the most of their last year in college before they part ways. His laid-back appearance can be deceiving so count on him to be assertive, hands-on, and ready to take on anything that comes his way.

Okay. Good.

Dan graduated last December with a degree in Tourism Management. He enjoys bar hopping, sports and all things funny. Dan also loves to travel and hopes to use his extensive global travel knowledge and expertise to get a leg up on the competition.

Tourism Management? Two things… wow, what a gut degree and hey, isn’t that sorta cheating for TAR? Like, you know there’s a secret tourism manager handshake or head-bob or something to get hooked up. I have my eye on you, whichever one of you two you are. And it’s good to know he likes “all things funny.” It will be exciting for him to read about himself on MSRblog! Ha!

These two say they can talk their way in or out of anything by cracking jokes and keeping the mood light, and they promise to bring more to the Race than any other Team. Look for them to always keep things entertaining in their own special way.

“Hey! Get back here with my mood light!” Didja like that funny, Dan? Anyway, this was always my strategy growing up as well – when confronted with an imminent punch to my face, I cracked jokes and stole mood lights. Worked every time.

MSR Odds on winning: 69-huh-huh-1
MSR Odds on them bringing the intentional funny: 69-huh-huh-1

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Aja and Ty

I wonder if it’s pronounced “aha” or “aja.” Because if it’s the former, I relish the idea of Ty running around in crowded markets randomly yelling, “Aha!” Just like Darth Vader. While I’m linking brilliant Star Wars YouTube mash-ups, this is my favorite one. It breaks me up.

I digress. Ty doesn’t look happy to have Aja on his back here. A metaphor for their relationship? Did anyone else watch the recent “The Mole” with that skinny dude who piggy-backed on that blond woman? That was awesome.

This long-distance couple is looking for an opportunity to be together for an extended period of time. They’ve been dating long distance for nine months, living in two separate states and the longest time they’ve spent together was last Christmas for two weeks. They feel that the Race will help them determine if they can truly handle living together on a daily basis.

To borrow from myself from five minutes ago, “Ah yes, the time-honored tradition of “Couples Counseling via Reality Television!” It’s worked so well in the past, hasn’t it?”

Having met each other four years ago at the University of Michigan, they quickly became friends, although Aja was dating someone else. When things turned sour, Aja realized Ty was the one for her – the only problem was she was living in Los Angeles and Ty was in Detroit.

A-ha!

Aja is an aspiring actress who also works as a makeup artist. She describes herself as energetic, insightful and compassionate. When asked what her biggest pet peeve about her teammate was, Aja said that Ty is known to have a poor estimation of time.

A-ha!

Ty is no stranger to the gym and he describes himself as ultra-competitive and hates the thought of losing. Currently, he works as a banker out of Detroit. He has not had the opportunity to travel much outside of the United States and looks forward to the Race as a chance to explore other cultures and compete against the game’s best. He hopes they are as hungry to win as he is. Ty believes that Aja’s biggest weakness is she is easily upset.

A-ha! “He has not had the opportunity to travel much outside of the United States.” Translation: “Since my girlfriend lives 2000 miles away, I often cross the bridge over to Windsor, Ontario to check out the smokin’ hot strippers.” A-ha!

MSR Odds on winning: 10-1
MSR Odds on them Aja’s aspiring actressing being destroyed by their showing: 1-1

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Mark and Bill

Nice goatees, boys. And such “adventurous” shirts! The chunkier one looks like Mythbuster Adam a bit to me… and I love Mythbuster Adam. And yet, I fear I’ll end up calling him “Billdo” for some reason. Or maybe “Billbo Baggins.” I’m not sure why…

These comic book aficionados are determined to be the most strategic team ever to compete in the Race. Mark and Bill, friends for over 23 years, first met at a science fiction club and have been bonding over their love for comics and games ever since. Mark says that he “wears geek like a badge of honor.”

Too bad “strategy” is unfortunately not really part of TAR any longer. The last “strategic” team was, to my mind, was Romber and while Boston Rob was (and still is) a deity in these part… it didn’t win them anything except derision. FYI: EdHill is totally down for these two.

Mark describes himself as outgoing, funny and smart. He is willing to go anywhere and isn’t afraid of adventure. His last vacation was to Vanuatu in the South Pacific where he climbed a volcano.

Okay, so his safari adventure get-up has some merit. Aside: Survivor Vanuatu… memorable for my dear Julie Berry that Probst had to go and steal from me. Prig.

Bill is the opposite of Mark — he describes himself as cautious, easygoing, goofy, yet competitive. When asked how the Race could change their friendship, Bill says that the Race might present them with some bad situations, but in the end, they’ll finish with a deeper respect for one another.

I don’t know why, but I’m having trouble goofing on these guys. How’s this:

These masterminds are ready to see what they are made of and are convinced that they can be one step ahead of the competition if they play their cards right.

“Masterminds?” Ha-ha, that’s totally something Comic Book Guy would say!

MSR Odds on winning: 20-sided die-1
MSR Odds on enduring gross food in goatee close-ups: 2-1

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Toni and Dallas

Another reality show staple: Super spiky guy-hair! Yay! I think TAR should have retired red shirts after our Lord and Savior, Rob, wore them on ASS TAR. And “Dallas?” Isn’t that a stripper name? Who names their son Dallas? I dislike this team already.

Toni and Dallas have always been there for each other and will let nothing come between them. They are hoping the Race will provide them with some quality family time they’ve been missing out on since Dallas has been away at college – and maybe even a million dollars.

As a single mother, Toni sacrificed quite a bit to give Dallas a great childhood. Now Dallas is in college and living on his own.

“Yes, my husband left me after I insisted on naming my son a stripper name.”

Dallas can be very persuasive and enjoys getting people to do what he wants. His pet peeve about his Teammate is that she tells very long-winded stories. He describes himself as outgoing, persistent and passionate.

“As I was saying, my ex left me after I insisted on naming my son a stripper name. You see, this is how it all came about. I really wanted a daughter and when I finally got pregnant – funny thing about that by the way, you see, back then we had what was called “free love” and I didn’t really know the father too well, but after he knocked me up he did right by me and married me. Anyway, so I just KNEW I was having a girl and I did the nursery all in pinks and yellows and it was just darling – the local paint shop gave me a great deal on the eggshell – I’m usually a satin girl but I took what I could get at the time. So yeah… what was I saying?”

Toni considers herself a leader, but knows that she’ll need to lean on her son a bit more by relying on Dallas’s strengths rather than telling him what to do. Her biggest accomplishment has been raising her son. She currently works for herself as a corporate accounting consultant.

Whatever. She named her son Dallas. And, for that matter, spells Toni with an i.

With Dallas’s constant flirting and sarcasm and Toni’s laughter and personality, they are sure to be one of the most entertaining Teams on the Race.

So the teams that aren’t tagged as “one of the most entertaining” all kinda suck? Why does cbs.com capitalize “Teams” throughout this too?

MSR Odds on winning: 35-1
MSR Odds on Dallas’s “flirting” to be as cute as his name: 200-1

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Part 2 coming soon!

sg-dub | 09.11.08 | Filed in Recaps,The Amazing Race