Another episode of The Amazing Race and this week it was the over-the-top blatant Travelocity commercial episode. Remember the halcyon days of sly product placement? And then Survivor came along and had the Doritos and Mountain Dew challenge? And then Donald Trump upped the ante with product placements bludgeoning you over the head, blurring the line forever between television shows and commercials? Sigh.

But let’s get past all that, for it’s TAR time and that means one thing: Caricaturing an entire culture in 48 minutes. I just had no idea New Zealanders were known for being gnomes.

And speaking of gnomes, hey 60 Minutes – can you ease off the close-ups? Wandering eyes and lip stalagtites kinda ruin my Sunday TAR time.

We begin back in La Paz, the highest capital city on earth! Thanks TAR, for being the only reality show that teaches the kids valuable geography lessons. If you know me, you know I love geography factoids. And if you don’t know me, you probably think I’m being sarcastic. But I’m not. Really… I’m not.

We were treated to what is becoming an annoying tradition: The divorcées and Starr talk behind each other’s backs about some affront or another, but no one cares. We just want them to (literally) kiss and make up (the bed after a hot three-way lesbo session), that’s all. Darnit, it’s so embarrassing when my fingers type my private thoughts.

Ken has to prove there are no jizz stains, CSI-style, after every Pitstop.

Ken and Tina were first out of the gate and learned they’d be flying to Auckland, New Zealand! Once there, they’d drive on the wrong side of the road to a marina and untie a Gordian knot. But… I thought… Gordian knots were impossible to untie? We shall see… All the teams seemed hopelessly excited to get out of South America and onto a land of English-speaking white people. Right?

“Oooh! Terence! You’re so good with balloon knots!“

Dallas, for his part, didn’t even know where New Zealand was which caused his mom to lament the $80,000 college debt she’s built up in his name. Sarah, perhaps in an effort to stifle her copulating raccoon screech, emanated a whisper-screech upon reading the clue. It was unintelligible this week, but it was just as horrifying. It was more of a fighting sibling bats from afar squeal this time. In fact, the extreme pitch of it done curled her boy Terence’s faux-hawk:

“Ugh, gross. Do I have to kiss a girl again?”

“Okay. It’s only for a second.”

“Gross.”

The teams all made their ways to the aeroporto and scrambled for no reason; they’d all end up on the same LAN flight in the morning. One of the DumBelles asked, “I wonder if they like blondes in New Zealand?” The other, perhaps just slightly less DumBelle was sure they have “them” there, but that only gained a look of empty-headed vapid distrust from her partner. For those of you that thought Miss Teen South Carolina was a fluke, I have sad news for you. She’s the norm, such as.

Not one to be out-stupided, Christy the divorced red-head described her last place position thusly: “We had a good advantage point, because we could watch what the other teams were doing.” I didn’t realize she was playing tennis, but whatever. This is why I always appreciate well spoken reality tv people. Because malapropisms drive me insane.

OMG! Proof! Just look at Starr flaunting her extra stolen sports bra!

Ty and Aja, the heretofore “black team that gets no air time” had a silly argument about attitudes during which Ty called Aja “Fidel.” I’m not sure she fully understood his slight, but they ended up hugging and being fine. Back into the shadows with you two!

Once on the ground in Middle Earth (aka, New Zealand), the teams hopped into their Mercedes Benzezes and headed out to the marina. Tina, apparently fresh from her third tour in Iraq noted, “There – Gulf Harbour is 12 clicks away.” Huh? Who talks like 1940′s war movies? Freaky plastic trannies, that’s who. And speaking of freaky sexually confused TARsters…

“Can I have a little love… for a little; can you just play with my hair?” said Terence to his beard, Sarah. That dude just totally creeps me out – and I love how of all the hours of footage of this guy on the cutting room floor, TAR is sure to treat us to gems like that. If only Sarah had said, “Sure, babe, you mean your incredibly stupid hair?”

Sarah apparently didn’t play with it enough because despite her having the map and despite the road sign agreeing with Sarah’s direction, Terence decided to go it alone and drive the wrong way. Hey man, you can have your maps and roadsigns, babe, but I’m forging my own path! Dumbass.

Ken! Don’t look now but there’s a horrific monster in your back seat!

Ty and Aja were screwed by the man again and got a flat tire. Upon passing them, Nick laughed at their plight. As lame as that was, Ty’s flat tire fixing skills are lamer. My man couldn’t even get started with the repair! For shame… Yet another skill you’d think these people would sort out before embarking on the Amazing Race. Oh, but that’s just me and my mediocre expectations.

Ken/Tina, the Frat brothers (Team Super BadMeaningBadNotBadMeaningGood), and Team GayBeard (Terence and Sarah) were the first three to their Gordian knot. First of all, I thought a Gordian knot was a thing of legend – Alexander the Great was posed the impossible knot to untie, got pissed off, and just sliced the damn thing in half with his sword. In other words, it is often used as a metaphor for an intractable problem, solved by a bold stroke. Hm. I can’t imagine anyone on this show ever solving an intractable problem with a bold stroke.

“Jeremy spoke in… Spoke in classss todaaaaaayy!”

But in this case, it was a large knot-ball the TARsters had to actually untie to find their next clue. Team SuperBMBNBMG untied their knot first – I’m sure once again due to their previous experience with those wacky Frat Gimp Games they play – and found a Fast Forward along with the clue.

Ken and Tina were right behind them, however, and both teams decided to go for the Fast Forward. Somehow Ken and Tina beat them to the giant tower and Team SuperBMBNBMG ended up at the Roadblock along with Terence and Sarah.

At the Roadblock (isn’t it amazing that all the other teams had fallen so far behind at this point, when essentially all they had to do was drive 20 clicks to a marina?) Terence and the fatter frat had to match face tattoos to Maori tribesmen doing that crazy Maori Romp-Bomp-a-Stomp dance.

This could have ended really, really badly.

Terence, of course, was terrified at the Maoris, which was great fun to watch. It was equally as fun when Terence matched wrong and the dudes would just steal his tattoo card and run away screaming. Sarah, ever the beard, kept offering helpful advice like, “Look at each guy’s face!” As opposed to what? Oh yeah, this was Terence… as opposed to checking under the loincloth – so Sarah, good point.” At one point she yelled, “Don’t get discrouraged!” then turned to the camera and mumbled, “Oh no.” Awesome.

Once he finally matched his tatts, Terence whined, “That was soooo hard! It was the craziest thing I’ve ever done!” TAR, being cool, then panned out and zoomed in on the gigantor tower that Ken and Tina were climbing for the fast forward – a much harder, much crazier task than matching face tattoos on a grassy hillside. In other words, TAR was saying, “F You Terence, and STFU.” Swoon.

The dumber teams (a relative thing) were just getting to the Maoris. For some inexplicable reason, the divorcées decided it was a lovely morning for a workout, so they parked their car and trudged up the hill instead of driving. [Quick and true and random story: I did this same thing once, in equally nerve-wracking circumstances. I had decided to propose to my wife atop Mont Royal in Montreal on a chilly October day - seven years ago to this very day, actually - and for some reason thought we had to walk to the top from the east. While it wasn't too far, we were wearing nice clothes to go out to a nice dinner and my poor better half did the walk in heels and a dress. Once we got to the top and saw 50 people up there and the large parking lot behind the building, I felt like a real Kelly-Christy. She said yes anyway.]

Dude, this is totally like that kegger at the Chi house!

The frats passed the walking women and asked them why they were walking. “We decided to walk.” At which point the frats responded in the only possible way: “Okay, hahahahaha.” Indeed. AndrewFrat did the roadblock and terrified, accepted the Maori nose bump. Afterwards, he proved his frat credentials with a hearty, drunken, “Wooo!!” All that was missing was a beer bong and a bunch of friends he had to pay quarterly dues for.

All the while, Ken and Tina were scaling that ridiculously tall and fragile downtown tower. Once at the top, they found a little Travelocity gnome and scurried off to a helicopter to take them to the Pitstop. If you thought that was it with the gnomes… nope. Once the teams began trickling in to the next clue, they found that they had to find other gnomes scattered about downtown Auckland via binoculars from atop a building. It’s another rehashed task, but I think it’s a pretty good one, gnome sayin’?

Careful there Kelly… you might scrunch your drawn on beauty mark right off your face.

Teams four through seven were matching tattoos and gnome spotting while the DumBelles were busy touring the beautiful great Auckland area. It was pathetic how far behind they were.

Terence and Sarah were the first to spot their gnome and had to get to the rooftop of another building. When confronted with minor difficulties, Sarah exclaimed, “I’m seriously about to kill myself.” Really? Seriously? I can buy that you have mental and emotional issues by the mere fact that you date a hyper-controlling passive-aggressive closeted child-man, but committing suicide over a staircase is a bit extreme. And really, is that a good thing to say while mere feet from the edge of a 20 story building’s rooftop? To break the tension, Terence said, “All gnome, all the time.”

“All gnome, all the time?” I am seriously about to kill myself.

New Zealand

With the crazy New Zealand weather playing havoc with continuity (within a minute, it was pouring, sunny, drizzly, cloudy, sunny, raining flaming lava from Mordor, sunny…) the DumBelle’s ineptitude was making it even harder to maintain any sort of drama. NIGHT was falling on them as they searched for their Gordian knot! Once they found it and matched their Maori tattoo, the warrior guy appeared to have actually kissed the Belle on the lips rather than the proper nose bump. Hey man, wacky warriors know dumb chicks go for accents too.

Just because.

About a day ahead of them, Ken and Tina reached the pitstop with Phil and a certain someone that validates my long-standing mat-mate theory. Over the years, Phil has enjoyed the company of some really hot women by his side. MSR was able to view Phil’s private diaries and wrote about his sexual escapades. By no coincidence, the next season contained a dearth of hotties – only ONE was seen in Taiwan last season.

The theory was that Phil’s wife was a bit miffed at his exploits and demanded that TAR only allow ugly men and transvestites stand by his side. Unfortunately, even that didn’t stop Phil’s Package from plumbing the depths of international sexual waters. So now… the ultimate PackageBlock: Phil’s very own dad!

Yes, Phil’s MateMate was his pops; a jaunty fellow who seemed to just love telling the Racers, “I’m Phil’s Dad!” Between Terence and Sarah’s “Babe’s” and Phil’s dad’s, “I’m Phil’s dads” I’m not sure how I’ll control myself from avoiding saying those two phrases myself around house and office. “Good morning Joe, did you catch the game last night, babe? I’m Phil’s dad!”

Ah, maybe the babes aren’t so bad – “Babe, you can’t open the envelopes. You’re very bad at it babe” said Terence at the Detour. Wow, babe, what an insult, babe. I’m just waiting for Terence-baby to get a paper cut on his wittle pinky finger so he can ask Sarah-babe to blow on it and then play with his hair, babe.

Wait – did Schmyrna show up on this leg to vomit again?

Ah, the detour – A Matter of Time (in which teams were to stomp on kiwi fruits to produce 12 quarts of juice) or A Matter of Skill (in which teams were to build blo-karts and race them around a track. Babe. I’m Phil’s Dad!

Team GayBeard opted to crush kiwis which unleashed such a barrage of “babe’s” and Terence squeals and whines about how much it hurt his wittle feet, I again felt like Sarah atop that building in Auckland – I seriously wanted to kill myself. Somehow, these two finished the task and drank their green juice and made their way to I’m Phil’s dad in second place. Babe.

Toni and Dallas attempted to stomp, but quit and went to the blo-Karts. Nick and Starr followed suit. The Frats also quit stomping and went karting. All three of those teams complained about the painful rocks at the bottom of the tank and how it hurt their feet. Funny enough, the dopey divorcées appeared to love the challenge and gleefully remarked on how well it was exfoliating their feet. As a result, they finished third with Toni/Dallas Pitstopping in fourth.

On the track, Starr crashed multiple times resulting in what looked like actual pain. She cut her hand fairly badly and appeared to have suffered a collarbone injury. Unlike Terence, however, she didn’t whine too much and fought through the pain to the end, finishing in fifth.

Oh Nick, please dab it and then blow on it!

I’d chalk up their finishing mat missd bump to her injury if it WASN’T THE 4TH TIME THEY’VE MISSED A FIST BUMP THIS SEASON! Guys, give it up. Seriously, you’re killing me. Please take a lesson from the cool cats on the NHL Network’s NHL Live program, who recently ended a show thusly:

Those guys are AWESOME. With night falling, Ty and Aja reappeared at the kiwi stomp only to quit and blo-kart like the others. With night quite fallen, the DumBelles arrived to squish and stuck with it til the end – or so we were led to believe anyway. (You’d think production would be like, “Um, ladies, here’s a filled container. Now get out of here.”)

¡Viva La Revolucion!

When Ty and Aja finished behind the frats in seventh, Aja inexplicably claimed they were number one! She very well may have been pointing in honor to her particular god, but that would have been equally as stupid seeing as though they were hours behind and sucked through the entire leg.

Three days later, Phil had to rouse Phil’s dad from bed to bid adieu to the DumBelles. He was very sad to see the blondes go, apparently:

It was then and there we saw that the kiwi fruit does not fall far from the tree: I’m Phil’s Dad hugged up on the blondes and to my eyes – copped a feel of one of their ample butts as they were being Philiminated. So long, dopes.

Phil, amazed at the master’s skills

sg-dub | 10.21.08 | Filed in Recaps,The Amazing Race