Like I said in this week’s recap, are we supposed to feel good about ourselves for making fun of True Blood? Isn’t it like that time in high school when I didn’t hold the door for the one-armed kid in band class who played the tuba, just to see how he would handle holding a tuba while also trying to open the door (true story)?
Again, I don’t feel good about this, and neither should Babelgum, but this is still funny (and accurate!):
On True Blood this week: Fairies! Witches! Were-panthers! (Yes, that is a thing now, apparently.) I don’t know, lots more crazy shit happens. I’m starting to think the original scripts for these episodes are written in human feces on a bathroom stall, because I find it hard to believe that actual grown adults sit around in a room with computers and college educations and get paid tens of thousands of dollars to come up with this crap. Hire me, True Blood, I can easily match the talent of your writing staff: “And then the centaur looks at Sookie and asks, ‘What ARE you?’ Then Sookie and the centaur make out. Then Bill yells at the centaur, ‘She is MINE.’ ” There, that’s your main plot for season five.
Compared to last week’s offing of like 300 characters, this week feels a little slow. But how can I complain when I’m able to enjoy my first Talbot-free episode in months? (Just kidding, obviously I’ll still be complaining.) This week’s big reveal involves finding out a little more about what Sookie is and why everyone’s obsessed with her, and as we get closer and closer to the answer, I’m starting to realize it’s going to be dumber than I could have ever imagined. Come, won’t you step into my Magical Light Pond and read about this stupid bullshit? (Warning: NSFW. Unless you work with psychotic perverted monsters, in which case, they will absolutely LOVE this.)
Aside from about thirty total seconds (which, admittedly, are awesome), this episode is almost entirely filled with things designed to waste time until shit can start going crazy leading up to the season finale. For instance: Bill and Sookie break up, and it’s really obnoxiously dramatic, but then they get back together the next day. Thank GOD! Also, Tara yells at everybody, Jason and Crystal (who?) finally have sex, and we experience the most pointless girl fight ever.