Have I lured you in with my deliciously cryptic title? (Because I damn well know the majority of you didn’t actually watch last Friday’s show.) I have to admit, I’m a little behind in my recaps because, well, I’m human and took a little break from reality TV in deference to watching the news channels. One of these days, a horrible natural disaster will impact a reality show (Survivor: Tsunami or Real World: Key West) and I’ll be interested to see how it plays out on TV. I’m disgusted that Big Brother hasn’t (apparently) told the hamsters about Katrina. To watch Ivette and April kvetch and bitch about the rigors of their Big Brother lives just doesn’t sit well with me these days. But enough proselytizing from me – that’s not why you come to this site. You’re reading this because you just can’t stand the suspense of The Cut and just need to know who the final three are for the finale Wednesday night. That’s right, CBS has moved The Cut again (not to mention the multiple times it’s been pre-empted regionally for NFL preseason games) and the finale has very likely already aired by the time you’re reading this. Funny thing is, you don’t give a shit.

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The latest episode of The Surreal Life contained one of the funniest cameos in television history. OK, OK, perhaps that’s a bit too much of a compliment, but damn, Tim Stack is one funny and ballsy dude. His jokes and insults flew out of his mouth faster and more furiously than if Triumph the Insult Comic Dog himself was on the show. Then again, with the likes of Omarosa and Janice Dickenson on the same show, hurling insults is an expected necessity more than anything else.

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As has happened to many The Cut fans in the last few weeks, local affiliates pre-empted the show in favor of horribly bad NFL preseason games. This week, the LA office was hit by a Raiders game and the East Coast office had already deleted the show from their TiVos. As a result, we have a recap, but no screen captures. Worse, cbs.com hasn’t even updated their “photo galleries” for several weeks – Even they don’t care about the show anymore.

My last two “Cut” recaps were both ridiculously long – but that could be attributed to the fact that the last two episodes were rather compelling. Hell, dare I say that the last couple shows were even more interesting than a Beau or April HOH reign on Big Brother? Would The Cut sustain such lofty heights for 3 shows in a row? In a word – no. In four words – not even frickin close. Once again, the show succumbed to its own screwed up sense of what constitutes a good challenge – thoroughly over-thinking and unnecessarily confusing what could have been pretty interesting. Such is life with HALfiger and his gang. And such is my excuse for a (slightly) shorter recap.

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You know, I’m not even sure where to begin this week. To be honest, after finding out the truth about what went on behind camera (or in some cases, in front of the camera but never aired) on Kill Reality it kind of makes watching people whack potato chip bags around seem kind of dull. For those of you who aren’t aware, I am referring of course to the article from Radar magazine in which it describes the off-screen antics of our reality stars. Specifically Trishelle’s propensity for golden showers and Tonya’s urge to have people do lines of coke off her genitals (thus providing once and for all the answer we’ve all asked ourselves at one time or another: can you get chlamydia from snorting coke off a woman’s hooch? Yes. Yes you can). Why can’t I be reviewing that show? Instead I get the coked-up, urine-stained whores just getting drunk and creating fake arguments for the camera. Ah well, when life gives you lemons… Hey did I mention people fling poo this episode? Well, they do.

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Hello. My name is sg-dub and I’m an alcoholic. Oops… Wrong blog. Hello. My name is sg-dub and I’m capable of recapping shows I enjoy. [Crickets] Seriously… I swear! Goddamnit, at this point, I’m not sure I even believe that. But without further procrastination, let’s get on with it. I mean, there’s a character on the show named Teabag, so what the hell am I waiting for?

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So let me ask a question to all you loyal readers out there. What were you doing 8 months ago today? I know what I was doing. Sitting in my family’s living room opening presents. I can picture it now….

(wavy lines)

Well whattya know, I got the new God of War game for the PS2! And look, my sister Rosemary got that iPod she’s been wanting! What’s that Mom? Another Tanqueray and Tonic? You got it. Hey everyone, lets sing a song!

I bet we been together for a million years
And I bet we’ll be together for a million more.
Oh, It’s like I started breathing on the night we kissed
And I can’t remember what I ever did before.
What would we do baby, Without Us?
What would we do baby, Without Us?
And there ain’t no nothing we can’t love each other through.
What would we do baby, Without Us?
Sha la la laaaaa.

(Wavy lines)

Ahhh, Christmas in the Hill household. Presents, liquor and the theme song to Family Ties. Pure bliss. But alas, not everyone’s Christmas was as joyful as mine. Some of them downright sucked. And those people would be described best with one word: Brats!

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When last we left the Stars of Kill Reality, E!’s hottest new reality show (after the amazing Taradise), everyone was acting like an idiot and purposely creating overblown and fake drama for the cameras. Suffice it to say, this week picks up exactly where we left off. After last week’s realization that I came too late to the show and missed bug-eyed Toni completely, I was skeptical that I could get into this show at all. Imagine having everyone tell you how great Big Brother is and you then decide to watch it when the only people left in the house are Maggie, April and Ivette. Luckily we have Tonya to pick up the crazy slack.

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I’m not sure how many episodes of The Surreal Life are remaining, but we must be getting near the end of the season. Heck, I hope so as I need to clear out a lot of TiVo space for the impending fall season. The sad part is that I have two dual input machines. Ahhhhh, sweet, sweet TV, I suckle at your cathode teat. With that in mind, I caressed my ergonomic remote control (I call him “Mr. Buttons” but you don’t need to know that) and prepared for another half hour of Janice Dickenson being herself. That is, being a complete idiot.

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Wow, can you believe it’s been only a week since the last Brat Camp? Yeah, well, it’s acutally been two weeks because last week was a two-hour Peter Jennings retrospective. Thanks for paying attention. But in that two-week period we haven’t exactly been brat-less (or is it Brat Camp-less?), because our troubled teens have been all over the news. First lovely Jada plowed a speedboat into a family in MA, and then “Angry Punk” Isaiah was caught scrawling racist epithets on a neighbor’s home. Something doesn’t make sense here. I mean, they were given hippie names! What else could they possibly need!? Yeah sure, I suppose you could go the “traditional” route and say that “years of therapy” would work better than 40 days in a commune being followed by a camera crew, but that would just prove that you’re a total square who just doesn’t get it, man. Now pass the doobie.

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… And sweaty guys and squirts on shirts and bubble blowing and – you know what? Baseball is gay enough as it is, so no need to make it any gayer, Wes. What the hell am I talking about? In the latest episode of The Cut, Wes gave us his singular vision of what New York says to him: Hot guys with sweaty wieners and nice balls. And I say more power to him – it’s about damn time we move past the 9/11 iconography and into a new age of homoeroticism. Transit cops, grow those mustaches and lose those shirts! Times Square, be the Pink Triangle you truly are! Homeless bums, pig piles on Fridays! Broadway shows, stay just the way you are, sister! But I digress… The show was about more than just Wes’s gay fantasies as there were six others still competing for The Cut’s crown. And the show is definitely picking up steam – Chelsea bath house steam, perhaps, but steam nonetheless.

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