04.17.06 | Recaps, Surreal Life 

Surreal Life: Going Against the Flo

Not for the first time, The Surreal Life opened with a stirring montage of coffee making, nail painting, sleeping, and George Jefferson yawning. I am now convinced that the show’s editors, upon realizing at the end of filming that this season was a real bore, thought it would be funny to start each show alluding to that fact. Let’s just say it doesn’t exactly get me excited to watch, let alone recap, the show. “Hey, sg-dub, what did you do for Easter?”

“It was awesome! I watched the following conversation take place at the beginning of “The Surreal Life:” The transsexual Alexis Arquette alerted Playboy TV’s Andrea Lowell that her thong was showing, for which she was grateful. This somewhat puzzled Alexis, who (despite having a penis) stated, “I like to show my thong.” Enter 80′s video has-been and spouse abuser Tawny Kitaen who elevated the discourse, noting, “I don’t like showing my ass, but I do like showing my thong.” Not to be outdone, classy Alexis quipped, “I like to show my ass IN a thong!”

Yes, dear readers, He is Risen!

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04.14.06 | Prison Break, Recaps 

Prison Break: One, Two, Three Men in a SHU

041006b.jpgLast week offered a bit of a respite from the frantic nervousness of the typical Prison Break episode. That tranquil feeling continued for about 2 minutes this week as we revisited Michael and his little science fair project in Warden Pope’s office. I’m so glad the show didn’t “forget” the Popsicle stick Taj Mahal – it’s such a beautiful thing amidst the ugliness of prison life. And seeing Michael’s crafty diligence in the face of a melted shoulder blade, a condemned brother, a failed escape, and a missing pinky toe is an inspiration to us all.

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04.11.06 | Recaps, Surreal Life 

Surreal Life: Life Stuck in Park? Must be the Tranny

The trailers for this week’s Surreal Life 6 episode promised excitement and conflict. Heck, after the first few shows, I was downright giddy for some crazy hijinks. Conversely, the trailers also showed a sleeping Sherman Hemsley. Sigh, when a show advertises that it puts one of it’s leading cast members to sleep, imagine what it’s doing to us viewers?

Yeah. “Imagine…” I suppose that’s what 95% of you must do because honestly, who’s actually watching this season? It’s really a shame, too, because I was such a believer in the show. I absolutely loved Seasons 1, and 2, and rather enjoyed 4. I never got into 3, but it spawned Flavor of Love, so I guess it was alright. (It also had that NKOTB kid on it, Jordan, who has apparently walked off the set of the “Surreal Life All-Stars” filming now.) And it’s no secret I hated 5, but I figured the show would return to its roots this go-round.

This episode was the first to attempt to do just that – the carnage after the jump.

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04.10.06 | Lost, Recaps 

Lost: Appetite for Destruction

lost-04-05-06a.jpgSo what to do when you have to follow up what has to be one of the best Lost episodes of the season? Well if you’re ABC, the answer is simple—hit the brakes. Bigtime. After last week’s jaw-dropping ending where Sayid totally punks “Henry Gale,” proving that he is the Other we all knew he was, we now get an hour of Hurley complaining about how fat he is. It’s kind of like a cancer patient complaining about how much cancer they have, the only difference of course is that the cancer patient can’t stop his cancer.

I’m sorry I sound bitter, but I just want to see what happens in the hatch. That’s all I care about right now. Hurley can eat all the peanut butter he wants as long as I get to see Sayid shove bamboo rods under Henry’s fingernails. But still, a fresh Lost episode is nothing to scoff at. It’s still Lost and it’s still good.

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04.07.06 | Prison Break, Recaps 

Prison Break: The “Lost” Episode

040306j.jpgSo how the hell did Lincoln get so professionally set up? And how did Michael decide to tattoo his whole torso? And how did Dr. Sara Tancredi end up at Fox River Prison? And what made lovable Sucre commit armed robbery? And what was T-Bag like outside the slammer? And how did the corpse have Terrance Steadman’s dentition? And how many more questions can I come up with? And how many English majors are cringing about my repeated use of “And” to start sentences?

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04.03.06 | Recaps, Surreal Life 

Surreal Life: No Gnus is Actually Really Boring Gnus

There was one throwaway line in this week’s Surreal Life that sums up the overall tone and feeling of the entire episode: Tawny Kitaen made some unfunny comment to the mayor of San Luis Obispo about his son which prompted the mayor to dourly respond, “My son passed away 15 years ago.” Ouch.

Ouch indeed. As Tawny was dealing with that punch in her flabby gut, we viewers were dealing with a similar feeling simply from watching the entire episode… The episode that went nowhere, accomplished nothing, and contained such emptiness that Friedrich Nietze was surely behind it all. After all, you can’t tell me that God is alive after seeing 7 nobodies doing nothing and VH1 pretending it’s entertaining.

And yet, I will still recap it. I’ll probably make up a bunch of stuff and allow a stream of consciousness style take over – simply to make up for the likes of Maven Huffman, Sherman Hemsley, Steve Harwell, and Florence Henderson – all four of which said a grand total of maybe 50 words this episode. Let’s see where my mind wanders, after the jump…

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03.31.06 | Prison Break, Recaps 

Prison Break: Burn, Baby, Burn, Prison Break Inferno!

032706a.jpgOh. My. God. Lincoln is totally going to fry! He was strapped down in the antiquated electric chair and the witnesses (Michael, Veronica, Dr. Tancredi, and 3 members of the press) took their places behind the glass. The drips from the wet sponge placed on Lincoln’s head was mixing with his beads of sweat. Warden Pope nodded his head and Bellick eagerly approached the switch. The clock showed 11:59PM and I peed a little.

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03.30.06 | Lost, Recaps 

Lost: Physical Graffiti

lost-03-29-06a.jpgAfter last weeks preview I knew this episode was going to be a good one. I was of course right. All sorts of great stuff happened this week. The preview however said that there were “five things” that were going to happen in this episode that will shock us all, but I gotta tell ya, after seeing it I wasn’t sure which 5 they were talking about. Like, when Locke told the woman in the flashback that her house showed no signs of dry rot. Was that one of the five things? Who knows. All I know is it was a crackling good episode. Shocking revelations, a huge mystery finally solved, and a new one rearing its ugly head, leaving us Lost nerds emotionally spent.

And seeing as how I literally spent about twenty minutes on my hands and knees staring at a freeze frame of this episode on my 51-inch television to try and find a clue, I finally realized that no matter how much I like to make fun of Lost geeks, I am one of them.

Hey it could be worse. I could be a Scientologist.

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Desperate Housewives: Got Milk?

Welcome to midseasonreplacements weekly chronicling of the descent of Desperate Housewives into mediocrity. This episode marks a new chapter in the shows steady decline in quality. Gone are the only interesting things about the show, its dark edge and ominous undercurrents are now replaced with out and out buffoonery.

I know I’m kind of harsh on this show. You need to understand however, that it is on against Family Guy and the Soprano’s, the two greatest shows on TV. So when I am forced to watch Eva Longoria’s bad teeth instead of Tony Soprano, it gets my dander up. And no one is happy when EdHill’s dander is up. Still this show did have its high points, not least of which is an episode of borderline child molestation. Wait did I say high points? I mean creepy points. Very, very creepy points.

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03.27.06 | Recaps, Surreal Life 

Surreal Life: Making the (Really Crappy) Video

I’m conflicted. About midway through last season’s Surreal Life I vowed never to watch the show again – having tasted my own bile too many times as a result of watching the vile media whoring of Omarosa and Janice Dickenson. Now, after my recapping duties superceded my better judgment, I’m thoroughly bored watching the most [...]

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