That’s right. The Desperate Housewives are back and MSRblog is on them like white on rice, like flies on shit, like stink on a mule and/or Kevin Federline. After being given the task of tackling America’s favorite Housewives, I took it upon myself to watch all 23 episodes of the first season this weekend in order to get up to speed. That’s right, while some of you were watching both the Patriots and Eagles win with last second field goals, I was vacationing on Wisteria Lane, knee deep in murder, vicious backstabbing, and a delusional Nicolette Sheridan walking around thinking she’s still attractive. But what about last night’s premiere? Did Zach kill Mike or Susan? Was Rex murdered? And for those people with an abundance of Y chromosomes, the question will most likely be “What the heck is Desperate Housewives?” Think of it as the O.C.’s crazy aunt. Or the bastard child of Melrose Place. Heck, they already have half of the Melrose cast anyway. So before we jump right into the action from last night, perhaps a brief recap of the story so far is in order..
Earlier in this most disturbing of The Surreal Life seasons, I shouldered the difficult task of recapping an episode that featured mentally and physically challenged kids. How to make that funny, without making fun of the kids? Looking back, that was a piece of cake compared the mess that’s airing this week on VH1. Sure, the newest episode is rife with slurs, baseless accusations, tales of stabbings and gunshots, creepy Balki crying jags, and a backyard barbeque – that stuff I can handle. But incestuous pedophilia? Mamma Mia. The hardest part is that it involved The World’s First Supermodel, Janice Dickinson, who has rapidly risen to be one of the most contemptible and detestable pieces of crap to ever appear on my television. Luckily (for me), equally contemptible and detestable piece of crap Omarosa was also prominently featured – and she’s only the victim of seven stabbings and gunshots and an unfortunate lantern jaw malformation.
I have a confession to make: I went into the new The Apprentice: Martha Stewart with lower expectations than most. I’m not a Martha hater but after the last season of Trump’s Apprentice, I had soured on the show and its concept. Now that I’ve seen the premiere of Martha’s version, I can happily admit I was wrong. I really enjoyed the show – so much so that afterwards I celebrated by whipping up some fresh homemade cream sauce in honor of Martha. And then I cleaned up and went to the kitchen to cook something as well.
The show opened with a quick and dirty review of Martha’s rise to the top from her humble beginnings. On one hand, dear Martha is to be admired for her work ethic and business acumen. On the other, she’s a bit infamous for being a heavy-handed bitch – and let’s not forget that she married rich which certainly helped her at the beginning of her ascent. Another proven tactic was displayed right off the bat; in her review of her life, Martha bragged (rightfully) that she had become one of the most “prestigious and well known brands.” Except in Martha-speak, the second syllable of “prestigious” is a short, clipped ‘i’ vowel sound, rather than the long ‘e’ sound we all say. As ever, she’s not incorrect in her ways, just better than you. (She also says “herbs” without making the ‘h’ silent. I love that – and I’ll watch the whole season hoping to hear it on her Apprentice.)
You know, when I sat down to write this, it occurred to me how negative I have been about Kill Reality in all my previous recaps. Who am I to cast aspersions on these people? Trishelle and Tonya both have moms that love them right? Sure, Jenna Lewis made a homemade porno tape, pretended it was stolen, and then we found out she was collecting all the profits. But when the inevitable homemade porn with J-Unit and Tyra Banks surfaces, will I be so quick to judge? The man has to earn a living. Midseasonreplacements ads only get you so far. So then I said to myself, this is the season finale. Why not go out on a high note? If E! gives me lemons, I’ll make lemonade! Unfortunately, E! gave me a big steaming pile of crap. And believe me, I wish that was just a metaphor. I apologize for any incoherence or misspelled words on my part in this recap, as I was forced to pour bleach on my eyes after watching this week’s episode. You’ll see why soon enough….
After only three hours of Prison Break, I am officially hooked. In spite of that, “my” Philadelphia Eagles were playing on Monday Night Football, so the FOX drama took a back seat for the night. So it is with slight bitterness that I write this recap (the Eagles lost) knowing that I’d have enjoyed myself better skipping the game. But I did learn one thing; as crafty as protagonist Michael Scofield is, Michael Vick could escape any damn prison he wanted to. The guards would all be shooting at him, but he’d simply dance from side to side, avoiding the bullets with ease as he outran the cars chasing him to freedom. Damn him and the Atlanta Falcons.
The title is my onomatopoetic attempt at the famous violin screeching from shower scene in “Psycho.” My use of the word “onomatopoetic” is my attempt at pretending I’m smart. My watching The Surreal Life is the proof against me when I pretend I’m smart. This week, the show was titled “The Knife Incident,” which we all knew was the one that got all the press before the season aired. Because, apparently, knife-wielding wenches are funny and exciting. In truth, it was disturbing and strange.
Hooray for us! We made it… To the finale of The Cut. I’d like to thank both of you for completing this journey with me. Honestly, how many of you can say that you saw every minute of this show – through the five timeslot changes, through the month of NFL pre-emptions, through all the clichés and the silliness? We should definitely give out prizes to those of you who did. In lieu of that, I guess we’ll just have to re-live the finale and discuss who and how the show’s big prize was doled out. The show included another daunting task, two new hats on the head of finalist Chris, and a return of Crazy Jeff – quite possibly the most fascinating reality contestant of the summer. And that’s not necessarily a good thing.
We start this week of Kill Reality where we left off last week — where we leave off every week actually — with our drunk, coked-up reality stars screaming and throwing garbage on the walls. Imagine a Cops episode only without any actual Cops. Jonny Fairplay starts the show on another fake rampage, running throughout the house in the early morning screaming at the top of his lungs. What do we learn from this? That practically no one bats an eye because everyone is so used to this stuff, and that Trishelle wears her weird Gandalf hat to bed with her.
“Aaaarrrggghhh!” No, that wasn’t me yelling to psych myself up to catch up with all my recaps. That was prisoner Michael Scofield starting off this week’s exciting episode of Prison Break. Because, remember, jailed mobster Abruzzi had just snipped off his cutest, littlest appendage. FOX really, ahem, “toed” the line with this scene, as all we were shown was a bloody sock. And if FOX knows anything, it’s how to play up a bloody sock. If last week’s enduring symbol was the origami duck, this week it would be the bloody sock. At least I was hoping it would be at this point so early in the episode. Of note: When you cut off the last little piggy, it does not say “Waaa waaa waaa” all the way home… Your babysitter lied to you. Speaking of lying, Abruzzi admitted he lied to shifty guard Bellick about the “conversation” he wanted to have with Michael and lopped off his toe instead. Oops.
Have I lured you in with my deliciously cryptic title? (Because I damn well know the majority of you didn’t actually watch last Friday’s show.) I have to admit, I’m a little behind in my recaps because, well, I’m human and took a little break from reality TV in deference to watching the news channels. One of these days, a horrible natural disaster will impact a reality show (Survivor: Tsunami or Real World: Key West) and I’ll be interested to see how it plays out on TV. I’m disgusted that Big Brother hasn’t (apparently) told the hamsters about Katrina. To watch Ivette and April kvetch and bitch about the rigors of their Big Brother lives just doesn’t sit well with me these days. But enough proselytizing from me – that’s not why you come to this site. You’re reading this because you just can’t stand the suspense of The Cut and just need to know who the final three are for the finale Wednesday night. That’s right, CBS has moved The Cut again (not to mention the multiple times it’s been pre-empted regionally for NFL preseason games) and the finale has very likely already aired by the time you’re reading this. Funny thing is, you don’t give a shit.