Yes, I know I used the same title that the show’s producers came up with. What can I say? It’s a good one and it certainly has all the qualities I try to impart in my own titles. I do feel cheesy using it though… My second choice was “Janice Dickenson is Still a Bitch.” And an ugly one at that. This week’s episode opened with a harrowing look at Janice: Behind the Mask. Oh. My. God. She is a downright disturbing-looking human before the two hours of work her stylists put into her face every day. You know how sometimes you’ll be hiking in the woods and stumble upon a perfectly good-looking deer carcass and say to yourself, “Hmm, a well-preserved dead deer. I think I’ll take the head and mount the antlers above my fireplace. This will prove to Dad finally that I AM a man and I can hunt and kill and all that manly stuff, even if I have to lie a little.” And so you go over to the dead deer and lift up the head but much to your disgust and dismay, as you lift the antlers it pulls the buck’s face off with the rack, exposing the decaying maggot-infested interstitial facial fatty tissue? Well, Janice Dickenson is just like that. Except she a human and not a deer and she’s alive and not dead. I think.
Wait, you mean you’ve never happened upon a dead deer and attempted to validate your manhood by stealing its antlers in a lame attempt to appease your father? Oh. It’s back to the therapist for me, I suppose. Keep in mind that the show only exposed the evil beast behind the Janice mask for a mere split second – as I’m sure her contract said something like, “You may not air one second of footage of me before I am made up for the day.” So VH1 aired about .85 seconds worth with the opening credits onscreen to boot… Well played, VH1, well played.