Survivor Redemption Island: Turn the Other Cheek

Oh, boy. This show. Never fails to entertain (unless it has Kelly Purple on it). We knew this episode would be good, what with the returning Redemption Island player AND a merge, but who knew it would be this good?! Let’s get right into it, because what happens is just painfully hilarious.

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Survivor Redemption Island: Zapatera Sucks

GUYS. Survivor starts on the east coast in, like, an hour, and I’ve been doing bullshit all week at work – I literally sat in on a useless three-hour webinar about using Facebook today, and one of the presenters was THIS born-again Christian social media whore – so once again we get a Lazycap from me! (Even the name “Lazycap” is lazy.) But it’s better than nothing, let’s just keep telling ourselves. I will do my absolute best to fully recap tonight’s episode, however, because it’s bound to be exciting, what with the merge and the Second Coming of Matt. Anyway, let’s get this over with quickly:

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Survivor Redemption Island: Crazy R Us

Yay, another full recap! Except this week I was super drunk when watching the episode, so my notes are kind of insane. I’ll attempt to piece together the episode from my spotty memory and notes filled with things like, “GRANT’S CHEST IS HOT,” or, “MATT LOOKS BETTER WITH A BEARD, NO?” This could be rough. Almost as rough a time as Krista is having now that she’s been voted out! Ha! The perfect segue!

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Survivor Redemption Island: A Recap as Engaging and Exciting as Natalie and Ashley

So, I haven’t had much time this week to write a full recap, and this was kind of a boring episode (although the cast is still entertaining, it seems like we might be settling into the pre-merge doldrums, when each tribe is dominated by a strong alliance that picks off the remaining stragglers, until the two alliances can go head-to-head). Plus, I haven’t had any time to get any screencaps, and CBS’s website has a pathetic three images from the episode. So, sorry, you’re kind of getting screwed. But I don’t want to get into the habit of not doing SOMETHING, because we all know what leads down that road. So here are some random thoughts about this episode:

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Survivor Redemption Island: Letting It All Hang Out

Anticipation for this episode of Survivor was probably at the highest level the show has seen in many years. Say what you will about Russell, but he certainly reinvigorated the game, for better or worse. (Worse. Except for the fact that he probably extended the show’s life by a few seasons. But is it even worth prolonging its death if all we have to look forward to is this post-Hantz wasteland of no social game and everyone having only a laserlike focus on finding idols? Does anyone else feel a bit like we’re watching Terri Schiavo 2.0? Too soon?) Anyway, this episode boiled down to one question: Will Russell finally be eliminated? And what will he do if he is? Thankfully, the episode delivered to its fullest. LET’S FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED. (Pretend like you don’t know what happened.)

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Survivor Redemption Island: Spittin’ Mad

Well, if this doesn’t brighten your week, I don’t know what will. I don’t want to give anything away to those who haven’t seen the episode yet (and if you haven’t, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?), so just go past the jump to find out why we’re all so goddamned excited here in Survivorland.

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Survivor Redemption Island: The Lion, the Gorilla, and the Lunatic

Well, episode two of Survivor: Redemption Island proved just as much a doozy as the premiere. We had dramatic irony, tearful soliloquies, an idol escaping the clutches of evil, and a beautifully executed blindside. I loved it. I, for one, am now in full support of seasons mixing All Stars with new players, as two out of the three experiments have (so far) proved a success, as long as we ignore Guatemala. Now, if only we can see the downfall of Russell at the hands of his least likely competitor, this will potentially be one of the greatest seasons ever.

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Vampire Diaries: Read the Manual

This week’s Vampire Diaries was a leetle bit slow, especially coming on the heels of so much werewolficide in the previous weeks. I suppose one shouldn’t complain that a show with “diaries’ in the title spends a good chunk of the hour reading olde-timey journals, but let’s face it, we don’t watch this show for the reading, we watch for pretty people, sex, and violence. Same reason I watch C-Span. At least have them reading it while in their undies, VD, remember you’re still on the CW. Also this week, Alaric Saltzman, Vampire Hunter/Shoe Salesman, finally gets to sell some shoes! Wait, I mean he finally gets to hunt a vampire! Wait, that can’t be right. Let’s review.

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Vampire Diaries: All Choked Up

This week on Vampire Diaries, the werewolves try for revenge before realizing that they suck (no pun intended) at fighting vampires, or that maybe they should have waited until the full moon before staging an attack. I’m starting to think the werewolf curse brings the mental capacity of dog along with the acute sense of smell, although it still might be worth it if you gain their ability lick their own genitals. Let’s face it, if they could do that they’d never leave the trailer, never mind fighting vampires. Joining werewolves in the failing-at-fighting-vampires club is Alaric Saltzman, Vampire Hunter/Actuary, who … oh lets just get to it.

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Survivor Redemption Island: Does the Treatment for Dry Mouth Make You Insane?

Well, another Survivor premiere is in the books, and let me just say right off the bat that 22 seasons in, Survivor still isn’t showing its age (aside from over-relying on past cast members, even when they’ve put together a very interesting group of new people). The first episode of Survivor: Redemption Island gets off to a blast almost immediately, culminating in the best first Tribal Council of all time. Let’s hope the momentum stays! And let’s hope MY momentum stays, and that I can actually finish out a season of Survivor for once. Let’s think of my departure from recaps last season as my trip to Redemption Island, but now I’ve won the duel and I’ve returned. Am I redeemed? We’ll find out! What am I even TALKING ABOUT right now? Let’s just get to the recap.

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