Like the rest of you, I’m sure, I was wishing Survivor would just end after Jimmy Johnson’s departure because WHAT IS SURVIVOR WITHOUT JIMMY JOHNSON? (Answer: Exactly the same, only with screen time more evenly dispersed.) But we must continue on whether or not our beloved NFL coach is still in the game. And who needs Jimmy Johnson after all, when you’ve got Jimmy T? He’s just as good a leader! Better, even! At least that’s what I heard from Jimmy T.
So let’s just jump right into it: NaOnka is awful, isn’t she? She’s absolutely the worst! I think she may be the angriest person to ever be on Survivor. You guys, I think NaOnka needs some help. And if she’s not getting any help, her students should DEFINITELY get some help. Expect lots of NaOnka disgust in this recap (and every recap following, because chances are she’s not going anywhere for a while). Also, something may or may not have happened with a celebrity this week or something.
Well, how great is it that in two episodes, Survivor has already surpassed the last season of Big Brother in terms of interesting personalities, exciting drama, decent strategy, and hilarious meltdowns? This is why Survivor remains the best reality show of all time, forever, until the world ends. But let’s hop right into this recap, because three separate people are having complete meltdowns this week, two of which involve footwear, and one of which involves bigotry. Fun!
Oh my god, you guys, how excited are we to have Survivor back in our lives? Not only that, but the Brigade’s reign of terror over our lives is a thing of the past, and Survivor has started out its second decade without even a hint of Russell! (Well, not true. He did get mentioned once during the episode. And part of me suspects a future reward will be spending time with Russell to get advice about the game.) Anyway, let’s get to the recap to find out how sexy the young people are (very sexy) and how old the old people are (very old, very decrepit).
Finally, FINALLY our long national nightmare is over, and True Blood is disappearing for a year. Is it just me, or when you woke up this morning did the birds seem louder and the grass felt softer? But then I remembered that I had to write this recap and I WENT INTO THE BATHROOM AND CUT MY HAIR, because that is what we do when life gets too hard. Let’s jump into the recap, and be prepared for lots of anger because nothing makes sense and also SPOILER ALERT: Alan Ball is already hard at work on making Season Four twice as horrible as Season Three! Hooray!